dukelemoyne's profile
AGE:
48
LOC: Camp Hill, PA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 25
LOC: Camp Hill, PA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 25
Like a few of the people I’ve met in the short time I’ve been with Urbis, I write all the time, but I rarely finish.
I’ve had a couple of short stories printed in quarterlies, with one anthologized, but I can’t look at them without wanting to go back and fix something. It’s hard to kick them out of the nest, you know.
I appreciate the reviewers at Urbis. They gave me great feedback on the first story I submitted, with a lot of encouragement and some insightful suggestions. And the work I’ve gotten to read and review has been a treat, as well. A variety of writing at all skill levels.
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Version 1
33 Reviews
16 Comments
MOON AND JUNIPER INT DECO ARTS HOTEL, SUITE 23A - NIGHT It’s New Year’s Eve, 1939. Deirdre, feeling misty after drinking her share of midnight cheer, sways about the room, humming a broken tune that's supposed to be "Someone to Watch Over Me." Using her martini glass as a dancing partner, she spills not a drop. She glides over to Walter, whose witty good nature has come to the fore. Though he’s enjoyed a few Scotches that evening, he is in command of his senses, and he easily catches her as s...
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Very nice. I forgot about my POV issue until after the story and I wondered where it went; so I looked. Well-handled. Elroy--the King. Is that your God reference? It always makes me think of George Jetson's boy. So what is April 8, 1966? It's still great. Thanks for the read.
Nice. I didn't see it was the dog at all. Selma and Hank fanned themselves to keep cool -- a bit misleading. I don't see a dog actually fanning himself. Hank would have liked nothing better than... -- POV issue. How would we know what Hank would have liked? Besides, the story is from Selma's POV. Loved the bit about the tape recorder preserving the Charleton Heston-like voice. I could hear him clearly. Good work. Thanks for the read.
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
You pose valid questions, but is it poetry? I'm no expert, but I say no. Poetry is music. It requires picturesque language. Even nihilists need stimulation. Try again--make that philosoophical search soar. Thanks for the read.
You're doing a nice job setting the scene for the scares to come. You've planted the seed of fear in Shelby, our heroine. And of course there's Ryan, the boyfriend, the unbeliever, rushing them headlong into the unknown. Classic stuff, loaded with potential. Your immediate problem is with spelling and grammar. A lot of young writers think it's a minor problem, like being a slow typer. Language skills are a necessity. Without them your work, though it may be potentially great, is too difficult...
Paints a lovely, vivid picture. I could see every image you showed us-- the red kitchen, the clock, the courtyard geraniums (I could smell these). Then the last line, which made me sigh with melancholy for my own youth. Nicely written. Thank you.
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