Paints a lovely, vivid picture. I could see every image you showed us-- the red kitchen, the clock, the courtyard geraniums (I could smell these). Then the last line, which made me sigh with melancholy for my own youth. Nicely written. Thank you.

You're doing a nice job setting the scene for the scares to come. You've planted the seed of fear in Shelby, our heroine. And of course there's Ryan, the boyfriend, the unbeliever, rushing them headlong into the unknown. Classic stuff, loaded with potential. Your immediate problem is with spelling and grammar. A lot of young writers think it's a minor problem, like being a slow typer. Language skills are a necessity. Without them your work, though it may be potentially great, is too difficult...

You pose valid questions, but is it poetry? I'm no expert, but I say no. Poetry is music. It requires picturesque language. Even nihilists need stimulation. Try again--make that philosoophical search soar. Thanks for the read.

Nice. I didn't see it was the dog at all. Selma and Hank fanned themselves to keep cool -- a bit misleading. I don't see a dog actually fanning himself. Hank would have liked nothing better than... -- POV issue. How would we know what Hank would have liked? Besides, the story is from Selma's POV. Loved the bit about the tape recorder preserving the Charleton Heston-like voice. I could hear him clearly. Good work. Thanks for the read.

Very nice. I forgot about my POV issue until after the story and I wondered where it went; so I looked. Well-handled. Elroy--the King. Is that your God reference? It always makes me think of George Jetson's boy. So what is April 8, 1966? It's still great. Thanks for the read.

Derek, I’ve never written a query letter (never wrote a novel to query). My remarks are based on study and discussion with editors. I’ve heard you should hold yourself to three paragraphs if possible. It looks concise and easier to read, thus the better your chances that they will read it. The first paragraph says little about the book, other than title, genre, and word count. That info could wait until later. The second sentence is vague, telling nothing other than the location. Lose it. Lea...

"...so much cartilage..."-- "So much" reads like a stylistic contrivance; it doesn't add anything to the sentence. Just say "cartilage." "tacky" fans-- How are they tacky? I know it's flash ficton, but tell us at least one awful thing about them; then let us figure out that they're tacky. "fake, steel teeth"-- sounds rather rendundant. How about "steel dentures"? Thanks for the read. Feels like John Updike meets Harlan Ellison.

"Swishing her stubbly legs" -- first I thought she was in a tub. I picture her as a voluptuous, if not large, woman, and I can't see her legs "swishing." Perhaps another word. "Sticking to her doughy bosoms"-- I assume you mean the dress fabric is sticking to her, but the phrasing is awkward. Sounds like SHE is sticking... "her salty palms along the nape of my neck"--the image isn't clear. Are they salty in taste? How is he tasting them from his neck? Are they covered in salt like pretzels? L...

Oh, my God, what a harrowing story. You write beautifully. The neighborhood and all the scene locations were well-rendered and easily visualized. The dialogue flowed naturally. The emotions, from playfulness to post-rape trauma, come to life on the page. Corrections? A few spelling and punctuation gaffes, typos really. Publish this! Thanks for a heart-breaking but lovely read. Good luck to you.

“...her legs were as long as a cooling drink and twice as refreshing.” This line alone is worth the price of admission. You have a good grasp of your characters, and can move them along as real people. You just have to take care with your language. A lot of spelling and punctuation gaffes. Sloppy text adversely affects your intended meaning and is off-putting to the reader. Use word processor check programs, your eyes and your voice to test the strength of your sentences. “And yet, despite th...