dwkeys's profile
AGE:
46
LOC: Aurora, MO
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 14
LOC: Aurora, MO
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 14
Hmm, not a lot to say. Programmer by day, draftsman by night, dad & hubby 24/7, aspiring writer whenever I get a chance (with all my spare time, lol). Lived in Las Vegas for six years working in a casino by day, and playing keyboards in a rock band at night before moving back to my home town in southwest Missouri.
Items
Version 16
7 Reviews
5 Comments
A tingle crawled up the back of Jim’s neck. Someone was behind him. He groaned inwardly as the odor of stale cologne assaulted his nostrils. If I don’t turn around, maybe he’ll go away, he thought, focusing intently on the computer screen in front of him. He sighed as his supervisor cleared his throat.. Putting on what he hoped was a pleasant smile, Jim swiveled his chair around. “Hey, Bill, what’s up?” he asked. “Jim, I hate to drop this on you, but I need you to take the Wilson project. Th...
Ratings & Rankings
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Reviews
An interesting read. You do a good job of bringing out the personalities of each character. Lucifer comes across and cocky and just a bit of a smarta**. It's clear the Vira doesn't trust him but considers him a "necessary evil" (if you'll pardon the pun). As you mentioned in your note, there are issues with punctuation and word usage (i.e. your vs you're), and some sentences need to be broken up a bit into two or three. Also, try to eliminate unnecessary words where you can. A couple of examp...
"...like an ocean’s burst on Cardiff’s St Mary Street..." This seems to imply that there is more than one ocean that could possibly burst on St. Mary Street. This may be true, but if not, it seems like it should either be "the ocean's..," or "an ocean burst..." I liked the visual of stomped spaghetti. Original. Ooh, very nice twist at the end. Making the character seem uncharacteristically bumbling and then turning it around with the weapon was a nice touch. You do an excellent job with the d...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
I think this version works much better (at least for me). There was only one thing I might change. The sentence, “A representative came forward from the council and returned the bow.” seems a bit much considering you’ve already established that the traveler is walking with only two of the Elders on the way to the craftswoman’s cottage, rather than the entire Council. For me, a simple, “The two Elders returned his bow.” and go on from there with their dialogue would maintain the scene better. ...
An interesting beginning. The one thing that stood out, though, was that the timeline was unclear. You go into what appears to be a flashback with the introduction of the traveler, but then there is no indication that we have come back to the present until we see the Elders turn back to the craftswoman. That threw me out of the story for a moment while I went back to figure out what had happened. I would suggest reintroducing the traveler again after the flashback paragraph to indicate the re...
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