eSSSence's profile
AGE:
19
LOC: Florence, SC
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 19
LOC: Florence, SC
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 19
My name is Shelby and it is my DREAM to be a best-selling author one day. I’m 18-years-old, and I’ll be heading off to college in less than a month. I had an Urbis account about a year ago, but I deleted it because I got discouraged. Now, I’m back, with a better attitude, and I’m determined to be successful. All critiques are GREATLY appreciated, whether they be good or bad.
Items
Version 1
6 Reviews
4 Comments
Chapter 1- The Right Angle I’m definitely aware of the fact that I’m not like most teens. At least not like the teens I surround myself with everyday. I think too much. No, excuse me, they don’t think enough. Now, my best friends aren’t dumb by far, but I don’t think the rest of my associates have brains too much bigger than mustard seeds. Forgive me. I know I’m not the brightest crayon in the box, simply because I have hardly any common sense, but sometimes I jus’ wonder. It is 11:13 a.m. as...
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I enjoyed this simply because the dialogue was real. There are a couple grammatical errors, but since this is your first draft, I know you'll fix them. I could relate with Nina as well. I know all about "the perv eye" and my mother constantly leaning over my shoulder makes me anxious to leave home too! Nice description as well. (ex.: "battered suitcase" and "zipped back into the truck with a flourish") PLEASE keep writing, and don't forget not to let time go by too quickly. Job well done! :-)
I understood what you were saying for the most part. I could relate with you, simply because I argue with myself all of the time. Everyone does. I think that the voice/tone of this piece is just fine, considering the fact that what you are saying is merely thought. Keeping playing with it. Overall, good.
I liked this I think because I feel the same way about my poetry. I'd like to write more too. I'm not so sure of what to say, but... I liked it.
50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Please let me start by saying... MY NAME IS SHELBY! :-) I noticed one grammatical error: "kidnaped" instead of "kidnapped" I think there were others, but I was too wrapped up in the actual storyline to notice! I think you are an EXCELLENT writer. I love your transitions from one paragraph to another, and your broad vocabulary. The dialouge was also very believable. I absolutely LOVED this line: "A Gemini. Two-faced like the devil himself, pretty on one side and plain mean on the other." Maybe...
I enjoyed this read a WHOLE lot! It was funny, and I always wanted to know first hand about some of what goes on at Mardi Gras. I couldn't believe that the narrarator (you, right?) didn't BLOW UP on his girlfriend for being there and behaving the way she did! (then again, you were there too, right?) :-) I found it hilarious that you mentioned that you had to do so much for your girlfriend just for a kiss, but she did so much more for a pair of beads! This held my interest, and I know my criti...
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