elfygirl's profile

elfygirl avatar
AGE: 20
LOC: Boca Raton, FL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 16

Hey, I’m Jana, I’m nineteen and I love to write!!! I’ve been doing it since I was in first grade and have always received high praise for my work; I just wanted to find out if my praisers were biased (it’s mostly my mom and sister who read my work)! I’m an English major at a college in Florida and I love it; so much better than high school. Anyway, after college, I want to teach English and maybe write on the side. I just need to know what to improve, so help me out people!

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Version 1
12 Reviews   5 Comments
I'll come to you in your dreams to wake you as you sleep. From your worries far I'll take you (And be sure that they will keep). And come the morn, you'll not remember who came to you in your dreams I'll come to you in your dreams and we will to the Garden fly. I will steal glances, and you-kisses with no more need to be shy. We'll ignore the snake that hisses at us to leave your enchanted dreams. I'll come to you in your dreams where we may rendezvous in secret, and when my heart to you I'll...
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Version 1
10 Reviews   5 Comments
I. I have seen the light! Or at least, I think I did- dancing vaguely from the corner of my eye. I know it was there- mocking me-just out of my vision. Or warning me? Or watching me? I wish I knew. All I know is that it flickered there- for an instant-then disappeared faster than I could blink. Or did it go out? II. The dancing light returned- brighter-but I let it go… I let it flicker away to tease another. I know I held it- I felt the warmth of my muse in my palm. Or in my heart. Or maybe b...
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Poetry / (Me?)
Version 2
11 Reviews   4 Comments
I can’t hear over the noise of my thoughts. The stress of the clutter clouds my brain, My free-thinking is… (not mine?) I can’t see through the window of my eyes. The glass is fogged by listless reflections, My focus blurred by… (shadows?) I wonder if- I think it might- Maybe it’s just- (Me?) Can you hear over my noisy thoughts? Are they… (too thick?) Can you see through my listless eyes? Is it… (worth it?) I wonder if- I think it might- Maybe it’s just- (nothing.) Maybe it’s just- (Me.)
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Poetry / Fates Entwined
Version 2
10 Reviews   8 Comments
i know we are meant to be together those words were yours i hope you never forget them and the promise that you forged in my heart i feel them to be true he lies who says we were too young to handle the feeling that came to us so early and forced us into this blissful submission we know is stronger for a few years we have to wait to fulfill the love that will not abate in you and me and see that fate will bring us together again
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Poetry / Holes
Version 1
11 Reviews   9 Comments
Black circles impossible to see through easy to fall into dark mysteries waiting for me to enter to fall through the holes who knows what they’re filled with I would have to jump to see but in the black? I step back unsure what is the cure for fear? Just one step away from the edge of knowing one two three I see.
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Reviews
Poetry / my rose
I like the idea, but the scattered rhyming and missplaced commas throws it off. "draw you in,"--you don't need a comma In the middle, you have a run on sentence; you should separate it into two sentences. Capitalize 'death rose'; it seems more like a name. "The most beautiful rose(,)" Why is the end in quotations? These lines also don't really make any sense in the context of the rest of the poem. I think you should make your first four lines into full sentences. You need a lot of work to on ...
Poetry / My Plea
echos---echoes smuged---smudged belive---believe In the next line, try 'how heavy my head' yesterday's---no apostrophe needed In the line 'put a hinge on...', try making 'i' it. In line 7, what do you mean 'my falling through is a dream'? Falling through what? The mirage? It's unclear. In the line 'do likewise to me', do what likewise? Explain the confusion? If so, you should go ahead and say so. The repetition would be very good for the poem, but w/out it, it's unclear. This is a very good p...
'ties' should be tie, just for grammatical clarification. Or you could say 'it pulls you...' You should no have a semicolon after 'what love is.' You don't even need puncuation there. I think you should also change 'while other times' to 'still other moments.' It flows better w/ the previous sentence. That same sentence is also unclear--it reads as if love pours through...and intertwines... isn't it the soul that intertwines? Comma after indescribable. In the last sentence, it should be 'you ...
Try (at) your side. Althought on a second read, this line doesn't seem to fit with the rest; this is the only one claiming that the other person should be with the speaker. All of the other ones are about how the speaker cares and the other person does not. It introduces a new subject that isn't explained. It just sits there. The fifth line is an awkward read; the t's and s's strung together made me stumble over it, whereas the rest of the poem is fairly smooth. It's a good poem about unrequi...
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