emanresu's profile

Alright, look, i have no idea where you are trying to go with this. It seems to me it's a story about a guy fighting his addiction to food, but is he still dreaming or is he awake or are we, the readers, not supposed to know the difference. You are obviously a talented writer, but i am not digging the singing food and such. Maybe I just need to read more of the story, if there is more, to better understand the situation and get hooked on the plot. If you have a moment, I would like answers to...

Unless I'm mistaken, your poem is a metaphor for self-medication through shots of liquor. Drinking seems to be a universal passtime for inebriating the inner demons of insanity and I think this poem more that hit its mark.

Great story, nice imagery. I would insert -to elude- instead of -of dodging- because dodge was already used. The train metaphor also seems out of sorts against the midevil backdrop where trains do not exist. You should end it with both of the poor bastards blungeoning each other to death because love is a bitch and not one is safe.

For starters, I think the poem would be a smoother read without usin "mine" so much. Maybe placing "my" instead for half of the "mine". I know you are going for a midevil touch, but it wouldn't be so repetitive if you placed "my" instead for half of the "mine". Overall, I love this poem, especially the line, "Saturate all emotion with poetry until the internal inferno is reduced to a spark."

"If the teachers are good and I can afford it I’ll..." should be, "If the teachers are good, and I can afford it, I'll..." "You’ll want to know how I got it all out and I’ll tell you it was love," should have a coma before "and" and a period after "love".