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fetzerd's profile
AGE:
24
LOC: Atlanta, GA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 05
LOC: Atlanta, GA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 05
I am 22 years old living in Atlanta. I am very serious about writing and I want to share it with as many people who will read it as possible. Please, be critical about my work for it will only help me. I want to make as many contacts as I can so that I can share my ideas, as well as hear their ideas.
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Version 1
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Forward you did Framed I move Closer To Furthest point. Air's breath stilled Sun's shine black Dead grass dances more Bleak mountains silhouette against Empty Are tombs Shallow Stark Path strangled by weeds, thistles, thorns, vines Choking dusty breath from God's mean earth Peeled flesh reveals Chalky debris Withered in a puddle of molten grayish red Forward i did not.
Version 1
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Amid the scent of morning's dew I wake to find there's something new The song bird's chirp The sun's bright smile Absorbing the moment for just a while Plush green leaves dance in the trees To the song of the wind strumming its breeze Soft pillowy clouds drift in mass While blades of grass bow as they pass Cool spring water babbles and flows Wild flowers in the pasture silently grow Breath of birch and pine, maple and oak Shade skin of the earth from sun swept soak Dawn breaks west and circle...
Version 1
8 Reviews
1 Comment
I lay perfectly still on my mattress covered with gray sheets; wide-eyed, staring at the cracked ceiling. My head throbs with each breath from my lungs, with each bat of my eyelashes. Rays of fresh sunlight beam through the dusty blinds warming my skin. I lick my lips and swallow the foul tasting regrets of yesterday. Surely it was not meant to be like this. I never intended to become what I am now. However, the consequences that I suffer from are a direct correlation of my actions. Blame is ...
Version 1
12 Reviews
4 Comments
Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. - Sidney J. Harris WHOOSH! Fire spits in my face as the flames catch hold of the hot oil in the pan. I toss the contents with frantic concentration. The intense heat draws sweat from my pours while the smell of fresh garlic, oil, wine, and seafood rapes my nostrils. My coat clings to my arms and torso like tightly wrapped cellophane. The sounds of sizzles and cracks, banging p...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
East of Joy stood Loneliness Hung in a corner of self-pity and sorrow Interrupted by the "whats" of the world Seclusion reaps reward Togetherness shouts for Joy while Lucky smiles in admiration Hand in Soul and Soul in Hand; Lucky to be Together Yet Loneliness whithers in thought And grows to be a scholar of obsolete Joy strutts in circles No end to her beginning Perfection steps in the picture (perceived by Whom?) Swallowing Joy in its wake Mind works in mysterious ways
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This is a very iteresting piece. I really like the description that you use. For example, when you are describing Phakind you really bring her to life, such as, "...focusing her huge sparkling yellow cat-like eyes." I have a suggestion when introducing Arzzarello Brin. This is obviously a mysterious character (as you point out) so his identity should be somewhat mysterious. I think you leave the reader feeling flat by just saying, "He introduced himself as Arzzarello Brin." Expand on this sec...
This is a really cool poem. I had a lot of fun reading this. Your rhyme scheme is very good and the flow of the poem is smooth. Although this is a fun poem and it seems harmless, I get the sense that something dark or ill-natured is taking place. I get that notion from the lines that read, "immersing/ twenty nine/ school/ books/ in flames". That is an eye-popping piece of this poem. I am wondering, if there any significance to starting at twenty-five and going to thirty, other than that there...
I think that this is a very well-thought out poem. It is very rich with emotion. One suggestion: I would add a little more texture to the poem. Meaning, allow the reader to actually "feel" the poem through all of the "senses" (touch, sight, taste, etc.) portrayed in the poem. I think this is a very descriptive poem and can be even better by doing this. The last stanza is fantastic. I love the line, "Sunflowers/ Fiddling in the dark of Eyes Closed". That is great description. In addition, the ...
Nice description of the the body's features. I like how you incorporate the movement of the body, rather than just describing what the figure looks like. There was some repitition that I think slowed this down a bit. For example, you repeat "shoulders" and "hips" in consecutive stanzas. I'd work to smooth that out a bit. Also, in the sixth stanza, I would drop the word "hanging" and just leave it as "suspended in air", it sounds much more fluent. I do like the direction that the poem offers; ...
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