finedani's profile

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AGE: 28
LOC: South Africa
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: March 11

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Sci Fi & Fantasy / 601, Chapter 3
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She seemed to clean for days on end. Finally, some kind of order emerged from beneath the previous occupant’s sheddings. She could see the floor – which turned out to be carpeted – and the bed was uncovered. She’d even managed to scrub some of the graffiti off the walls. What she hadn’t yet managed to do was unpack – there was nowhere to unpack to. It was a little unsettling to know that there was nothing of hers here yet, nothing of her here, but at least the room was clean enough to sleep ...
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Sci Fi & Fantasy / 601, Chapter 2
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It was a little, she thought, like finding an oasis in the desert, complete with deck chairs, cocktails and a genie. ‘Damn,’ she whispered. It was lush and beautiful. The conservatory stretched far beyond her room and looked out over the wide street, and Pretoria’s famous Jacaranda trees. A water feature burbled soothingly, a bright hammock brushed against fern fronds and a patch of ivory lilies, and in the middle of the room, an easel displayed a half-completed sketch. Bannon wandered over ...
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Sci Fi & Fantasy / 601, Chapter 1
Version 1
2 Reviews   1 Comment
601. Bannon stood in front of the door, staring at the numbers. The weight of their meaning pinned her down - an emerging butterfly impaled on her own sharp and silver hopes. She wanted to touch them - make sure they were real, this was real - but they were above the door and too high for her. Instead, she took a step forward and contented herself with laying her palm against the door. She moved her fingertips against the wood, feeling its age, feeling the reality of the cracks and stains un...
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Novel Treatments / 601, Chapter 6
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The smell of blood reached Bannon before she opened her eyes. It stirred loose a memory within her, but she groggily pushed it aside, buried it under the silt of her aching muscles and pounding head. Her eyes were swollen and heavy, but she managed to force them open, and found herself lying on the mattress in her room. How did I get here? she thought. Did someone move me, after -? The memory of the previous night unearthed itself in a lava flow of images, burning into her skin, forcing her ...
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Novel Treatments / 601, Chapter 3
Version 3
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She seemed to clean for days on end. Finally, some kind of order emerged from beneath the previous occupant’s sheddings. She could see the floor – which turned out to be carpeted – and the bed was uncovered. She’d even managed to scrub some of the graffiti off the walls. What she hadn’t yet managed to do was unpack – there was nowhere to unpack to. It was a little unsettling to know that there was nothing of hers here yet, nothing of her here, but at least the room was clean enough to sleep ...
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Reviews
Short Story / Thank You For Sharing
She stumbled alive - this is jarring. I would leave out alive. needed changed, - needed changing hell is it,” she questioned aloud. - hell is it?" (leave out the rest, you can tell that she is questioning aloud.) what in the world was she doing with a man, - what in the world she was doing with this man asked her tone tight - asked, her tone tight. Don’t you remember,” ... his own needs. - "Don't you remember?" He encircled her waist with his arms, and poked her with his own needs. then I wil...
Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Ancient Child : Prologue
Her words sprinkled sharp stabbing pains through her head - this doesn't really work for me. 'Sprinkled' makes me think of little drops of water, or confetti, or chocolate sprinkles :) Maybe say something like: Her words stabbed painfully through her head. mind was making her disorientated - mind disoriented her. gently stroked its way through her mind and aching limbs - gently stroked through her mind and aching limbs. (I like the way you've put this. Very effective :) ) arrogance approachin...
Short Story / A Lucid Moment
1)“Where in tarn hell is Margaret,” asked Howard with a scorn on his face - this should be with scorn on his face, not with a scorn. Also needs a question mark in the dialogue. 2)spoke slow to him - should be spoke slowly to him. 3)Keep that covered up in your queer little closet, is what he should have done, thought Howard to himself. This should either read, Keep that covered up in his queer little closet ... or, Keep that covered up in your queer little closet, is what you should have done...
Short Story / The Room
It seems so real, though - sudden change to present tense. I am horrified to see I am still in this room - again, a change to present tense. dull, synthetic brilliance - dull brilliance is an oxymoron, and I don't see how it could be true. Light is either dull or brilliant. Unless you mean nondescript? If so, it really isn't clear. Perhaps, maybe I’m an experiment - I would pick one qualifier. but I couldn’t remember to what capacity our relationship was - I couldn't remember the nature of ou...
Short Story / The Dying Man
aspect of regrets is learning - I think you've meant to have this in the plural, but for me, it would work better in the singular - aspect of regret is factor in ll equations - factor in all equations denser than brain surgeon - I don't know what you mean by this. Do you mean denser than a brain surgeon? That doesn't make sense to me as I don't think brain surgeons are particularly dense. Do you mean denser than brain surgery? This needs to be cleaned up. life that you will learn - life you w...