In bon ton Los Angeles, - did you mean down town? Otherwise, what is 'bon ton'? with its arrant drive for success - did you mean arrogant, or errant? one on a street corner or a Porsche - did you mean to say that you can be caught with a stereotype on a Porsche? way they paw’d each others genitals - the way they pawed each other's genitals They are in love and don’t have to obey the rules of time. - This is a wonderful sentence. what see when ... open - what you see when your eyes are open. I...

streets of New York City watching - streets of New York city, watching pink skies overhead turn dusk - pink skies overhead darken. If the sky is pink, it is already dusk. Also, 'turn dusk' doesn't read well. I believe that if you want to keep that phrase / idea, it should be, 'turn dusky'. Bobs Hotdog - Bob's Hotdog but not before grabbing - I would change this to: stopping only to grab each covered thickly - each thickly covered ketchup, they said - ketchup. They said but quickly on - but we...

I would change this: which normally didn’t make any noise at all - to this: which normally made no noise at all. could switch it off the sound - I would refer specifically to the computer (i.e. before I could switch the computer off) as this is a little ambiguous. Sounds to me like you are trying to switch the sound off. When I opened the case I was - When I opened the case, I was figure out a capacitor - figure out that a capacitor lost something and I wasn’t going - I would rewrite this as:...

My overwhelming feeling after reading this piece is that you are trying too hard. Your sentences are overly complicated, which makes them unwieldy, and doesn't let the story flow. Never use a complex expression where a simple one will do. this simply being ... significance of death. - I would simplify this sentence. It reads very clumsily to me as it is, and is ambiguous. Do you mean that they can't understand life, because they don't understand death (Our world is full of countless fools who...

but that day she thought it imperative soon after she discovered she was being chased. - but today she was being chased. had not noticed - hadn't noticed She passed tree after tree at a gentle trot ... her way. - I would leave this out, but if not, then: so often her hand lifted to grace the low hanging branches of leaves as she past - so often, she lifted her hand to the low hanging branches, easing them out of her way. worn path - you've already said that the path is worn A man was dressed ...

aspect of regrets is learning - I think you've meant to have this in the plural, but for me, it would work better in the singular - aspect of regret is factor in ll equations - factor in all equations denser than brain surgeon - I don't know what you mean by this. Do you mean denser than a brain surgeon? That doesn't make sense to me as I don't think brain surgeons are particularly dense. Do you mean denser than brain surgery? This needs to be cleaned up. life that you will learn - life you w...

It seems so real, though - sudden change to present tense. I am horrified to see I am still in this room - again, a change to present tense. dull, synthetic brilliance - dull brilliance is an oxymoron, and I don't see how it could be true. Light is either dull or brilliant. Unless you mean nondescript? If so, it really isn't clear. Perhaps, maybe I’m an experiment - I would pick one qualifier. but I couldn’t remember to what capacity our relationship was - I couldn't remember the nature of ou...

1)“Where in tarn hell is Margaret,” asked Howard with a scorn on his face - this should be with scorn on his face, not with a scorn. Also needs a question mark in the dialogue. 2)spoke slow to him - should be spoke slowly to him. 3)Keep that covered up in your queer little closet, is what he should have done, thought Howard to himself. This should either read, Keep that covered up in his queer little closet ... or, Keep that covered up in your queer little closet, is what you should have done...

Her words sprinkled sharp stabbing pains through her head - this doesn't really work for me. 'Sprinkled' makes me think of little drops of water, or confetti, or chocolate sprinkles :) Maybe say something like: Her words stabbed painfully through her head. mind was making her disorientated - mind disoriented her. gently stroked its way through her mind and aching limbs - gently stroked through her mind and aching limbs. (I like the way you've put this. Very effective :) ) arrogance approachin...

She stumbled alive - this is jarring. I would leave out alive. needed changed, - needed changing hell is it,” she questioned aloud. - hell is it?" (leave out the rest, you can tell that she is questioning aloud.) what in the world was she doing with a man, - what in the world she was doing with this man asked her tone tight - asked, her tone tight. Don’t you remember,” ... his own needs. - "Don't you remember?" He encircled her waist with his arms, and poked her with his own needs. then I wil...