fireangel's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: Spokane, WA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 30
LOC: Spokane, WA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 30
I am 23 years old and have just recently gotten into writing seriously. I quite enjoy it. I am horrible at grammar and spelling or anything else that goes along with that. I love to write in spite of all my limitations.
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Version 2
4 Reviews
0 Comments
Taraleen was naturally a quiet but busy city. At dusk the streets and walkways erupted into action and noise as the people left there jobs to head home. Akuma loved Taraleen. The city dwelled half on the forest floor, the other half up in the tree tops. The trees of Authorn Forest were big enough to support the buildings of Taraleen although they were held up also by light webs of ancient magic. Akuma loved to stand there above Lower City and watch it come alive as dusk settled in. It was he...
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Version 1
6 Reviews
0 Comments
Akuma stood alone on her balcony overlooking the city that she loved. A small smile crept across her face as she watched the city start to flicker and glow coming to life in the late evening dusk. The lamplighters in the streets began to light the candles that lined the streets and walkway bringing the city to life. The glow flickered and bounced off the white sides and buildings emanating a feeling of safety as the surrounding woods took on a glow of its own. Akuma loved Taraleen, the city ...
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I really like the fact that unlike other writers here you did not shy away from the use of strong language. 'who all say this cannot be done or my Line is done.' This sentence does not flow well. I would suggest you use something like 'who all say this cannot be or my Line is done.' By simply dropping the first done it makes it sound less amateurish. You used a very good variety of textures and layers to describe things but left emotions pretty much out of it. Was that done on purpose? I don'...
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I really like the fact that you started the story off with a strong female character, showing that she was independent and strong willed. I think that it sets up a character basis that can be taken anywhere later in the story. I like the action when she fights her father but I feel that a little more description needs to be given to her and her father in these early writings. As well a little more on her family dynamics needs to be entered to let the reader know where she stands with them. Wh...
Very good story. I have but a few recommendations for you though. In the beginning you use the term human twice in a very short span. I would try to avoid that in the future. "climbed with inhuman speed, moving silently like a human spider to the top of the warehouse" instead you might try something along these lines. Climbed with unnatural speed, moving silently like a human spider to the top of the warehouse. "above him the fire of the two remaining men shredded the roof and hood." This sec...
I have to say that this is one of the better pieces that I've read (including my own work). I really like the description between the humans and the Oloan. the description of the Verian needs to be a little more descriptive. Explain the differences between the two races just a little more to give the readers a mental picture of what they look like. I also liked the phrase "as common as water." It was very colorful and served a very neat point. The only other advice I have for you is to rework...
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