I've kept up with this story since there was only one author, and it's wonderful thing to witness, like watching a child grow. Except it's yours! Anyway, the jump from 1st to 2nd chapter is quite a leap, as you don't really include those characters in the story; the silver-eyed child was just born, if I remember right. Perhaps an intro of some sort to the 2nd chapter, giving the reader an idea of what to expect. With that, though, you may have to include an intro for every chapter... The ital...

This my first read of anything of yours, so I'm going in a little blind. The one thing I noticed throughout the story is weak imagery. For instance, in the first paragraph: "Dismounting, he walked to where she hovered; now hearing sounds other than the howling...." You continue with a description of what's causing the sounds, but never a word as to what they sound like. No rattling of chains, no hooves of horses, no shouts of men, etc. Another problem I noticed in your imagery is a lack of re...

I hadn't read anything you previously submitted here, so I can't be biased in that regard. And I have to ask. What are you writing? The title tells me something dark, something animal, something nocturnal, be it human or otherwise. In the first few paragraphs, you've grabbed my attention, but then the remainder of the story is nothing more than the life your character led. That's all well and good, but it can be done in about four paragraphs, and then you continue on with the spine-tingling s...

I've read this at least a half dozen times, and I still see the same thing. That second stanza seems like it should be the fourth instead. Tough words at any rate, as I still see anger, and perhaps it was. I liked it though. You said what needed saying...

Well, you've already advised us that the storm is a work in progress and pointing out misspelled words, etc, is just a bit foolish at this point. First, the name of the main character, Gene, needs some looking into; as in every story, a name has meaning. Considering his bold action, the name Gene didn't seem to fit the character. Perhaps he needs a second name, a gypsy name Antiro might have given him... And second, I have trouble with Antiro being killed so easily by Severin. Antiro, with hi...

This is the first instance I've had to read your work, and only noticed some minor editing and descriptive problems. What I've done is pasted the portions of your story with the suggested mistakes repaired, plus added notes as needed: The sealed test tube seemed clear and empty, until held to the pale blue light of the scanner... (perhaps offer a description of the doctor as seen in this light, compared to what I assume is white fluorescent, to give readers a more defining picture of the man)...

It's been awhile since I was at urbis and trying to remember if I had read your previous work... This could be me, but I thought the dialogue wasn't as smooth as it could have been between Elderron and Nathin. I'm assuming they've spent years together as teacher and student, and that type of relationship would have nuances of unspoken words. Have you tried the tape recorder bit? They main problem I noticed with Nathin and Ryzza was this passage: “How…” She silenced his words with her lips, sm...

You're on a path of self-discovery. Good for you, but I wouldn't be so self-righteous about it. There might be others discovering the same, and see you as the next obstacle that needs removing. That's what happens, you know. We have to remove certain people from our lives in order to move forward. It's just who and when. Have you pursued the traveling bit yet, gaining perspective from those that live completely different lives from you? If you haven't crossed either one of the oceans yet, you...

The best aspect of this chapter is that cliffhanger. So unexpected. First your imagery of the city is missing, its smells, its sounds, as your wallflower seeks out the fruit stand. Second, I'm bothered by Shay and her three inch long fingernails. When I type, my nails tend to wear down on one side. But for the sake of arguement, cuz I have actually met a similar woman with nails like that, Shay's productivity would still be less than what would be expected. She would always be careful not to ...

A unique approach to comedy. A Saturday Night Live skit or similar that does everything it's suppose to. It entertains. And your only 16? I want to offer congrats. Only one editing mistake, which is far, far less than any piece I've reviewed thus far.