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flyboy61's profile
AGE:
48
LOC: Richmond, VA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 15
LOC: Richmond, VA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 15
I have self-published my novel Love Never Dies through lulu. I have a website, geoffreyzimmerman.com where you can see lots of my work. I seek reviews of my current finished projects and the stuff I’m putting together.
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JANE HATES DICK By Geoffrey Zimmerman The afternoon was turning out to be just perfect for Dick Lewinski. The fellas at the plant had volunteered to finish up his filing, so now, after dropping little Timmy off at his buddy’s birthday party, Dick found he had three hours to himself. When happy, Dick liked to jangle the loose change in his Dickies pocket. It jingled and jangled like a three cherry winner at a Vegas slot machine, and Dick whistled a few happy tunes through pursed lips. He flung...
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You most definitely have a strong talent for evocative and moving passages. However, I am sure an agent would want to see some work of yours with more cohesion. The piece is a slice of life, alook into the lives of people. Very nicely done, but with little real thread or theme, and a strong sense of purpose to the story. I do, however, get a strong sense of your main character, and have a connection with her, so here you excelled, with the character empathy. Keep it up, but plot more cardefully.
Great use of description and suspense. I like your characterization, but my biggest fear is that you do not have enough stuff in here to create a novel. You have the dream, the gals at school together, then at one gal's folks' home together, then the road trip with the folks. The premise is good, but lots more plot and fleshing out is needed. I believe you would make a good short story writer.
This is a perfect example of "show don't tell". You have done an exceptional job at bringing me into your world and into your state of mind. More and more I seem to find that we writers(especially the best of us) experience periods of delusion and moments of terror, where we wuestion our own purpose, the reason why we do what we do. Perhaps we are the modern-day martyrs, who must sacrifice their outer selves in order to bring forth truth to others in the world who seek it. Well done. Great work!
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