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fragglequeen's profile
AGE:
29
LOC: Charlotte, NC
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 27
LOC: Charlotte, NC
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 27
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Version 1
8 Reviews
6 Comments
I believed in Peter Pan, fairies and Never Never Land long after most children my age had finally accepted reality. While other 15-year-olds were preparing for their driving test and dates, I was determined to hold onto the dream of what childhood should have been for as long as I possibly could. I would even enlist the help of my younger siblings in my futile attempt to stay young forever. In the middle of the night, after our parents had fallen asleep, I would quietly sneak throughout the ...
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I really like your opening line. It is rather original and catches the reader. I also appreciate the way you set up the character's personality through her surroundings and the other characters (i.e. - Thomas, who obviously reigns above her). However, there are times where I feel the story needs to be reworked a little. Example, the lettering system for the school buildings. Instead of stating there were buildings labeled "A, B, C, D..." I would write something along the lines of "the buildin...
I hope you don't mind if I'm completely honest with you. This screenplay really didn't motivate me that much. I mean, it seems that you really have your characters down. It is relatively easy to tell which girl is which, what her personality is, etc. That is good. At the same time, the story is very slow. Everytime I thought something exciting or interesting was going to happen, it didn't. I'm just wondering what the outcome might be. What is going to happen next? Is there a point to them get...
I love your story. However, there are a couple of things I could think of. For one, you have present and past tense in the same sentence. In the sentence "There are no marks on her" I pointed out with as much calm as I can manage should state as much calm as I could manage, because the word pointed is past tense. The writing itself easily rivals several leading authors I can think of, though. In fact, I'd venture to say that you're far superior. You suck the reader right into your story, and ...
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