There is nothing to reveiw. This is a comercial.

I havnt read your earlier revisions but this I spretty good th eway it is. Only suggestion I have is about the very first sentence. "...struck through the glass." struck seems like the wrong adjective to use here. you need a SOFTER one if you get my meaning. like :snaked, slithered, maybe even crepted. Other than that, good work.

I like the mythos your trying to set up here. Only a couple suggestions. First, if they are going to be in a school setting, trying to stear clear of typical slang we've heard in every Teen-Movie for past 10 years. It's your universe, be creative. Lots of gramatical writting errors but I can tell this is a first draft. When you revise it, pay closer attention to speech. I mean placement of quotes and continuation of thought after someone is done speaking. Overall good idea though, great start.

OK, If it's still the tense you're mostly worried about, lets address that. Written this way, it sounds more like it should be a stage/screen play rather than a novel. It reads to quick. There isnt enough setting description, how people feel, dress, what year we are even in. I asume its the future only beacuse of the line "Two cycles past midday". Or is this a screen play and it says novel treatment by accident? If i were you, id give the screenplay idea a shot cuz it seems you already have a...

This was freakin funny. It reminds me of 'hitchhikers guide to the galaxy'. The only thing i would change is the dialouge. They can be funny without diving too deeply into spoken cliche's. Sounds like you wrote this on a lark (as a joke) If you did, I would work on it some more, this could be really good.

I love Tess. So, right off the bat, let's get the teck stuff out of the way. This is a Spec script. That means you leave out all of the "cut to" "dissolve to" and any other camera direction. Those are put in the "shooting" script by the director. Whenever the perspective changes, use "WE" for the camera and you'll be fine. All scene headings should look like this : INT. TESS'S APRT - NIGHT. Parentheticals () should never have more than 4 or 5 words in them. Anymore than that and should be wri...

The tech stuff first. If you don't have one, get a script writing program. (since Im a cheap bastard, I use Celtx, it works good as Final Draft and its free.) That will easily fix most of your mistakes. As for the story, I did not see that ending coming in a million years. My only advice really is to watch what your characters say a little closer. Meaning, Make their personalities stand out more cuz other than the blantant asshole, every one else seems interchangable. Also, go back over some ...

This is what you claim it to be alright. Action movie. Couple quick notes though. Just because it's an action movie, they don't have speak cliche. What I mean is. In the opening approach to the Yacht. Have them talking about ANYTHING other than stealing or her ass. I would be way more interested if they were talking about, say, gas prices or Rayne's favorite iced tea flavor, or something YOU care about, then they get chased. Maybe even while still discussing something arbitrary. just a though...

Ok, you're going to hear this alot but here goes...First, double check your spelling mate...not only people speaking but in your descriptions...you're missing whole words in some places. More importantly though, NEVER use camera direction words. Smash cut/ cut to/ disolve to/ P.O.V./ stay away from any of that. ALways use the word WE instead of any TECK speak. "WE swing around" "He looks away but WE stay in the mirror". Stuff like that. It's good to know phrases like Smash Cut, but in SPEC sc...

OK, I don't know how much you alredy know about script writing so don't take offense. First, if you don't have one, get a script writing program. Second, begin EVERY script with "FADE IN:" in the top left corner on a line all by its self. Second, when there is a LOT of description, break it down into no more than five or six sentence sized paragraphs. Every time you change location, that's a new scene heading. "INT. CHURCH - NIGHT" "EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT" And lastly, stir clear of camera direct...