Wow. This is amazing. It's full of wonderful description. I love the "calming sensation to wash over her as the ink fully enveloped her body." Great ending. It really set an impression into me. It's really touching, as well. Try and get this published! Definately worth reading. I put it as one of my favorites.

- might want to cut out the second "what's over there by that thing" in the intro, it disrupts the flow + I love the descriptions of the bathroom + Great portrayal of a child's adventures Oh noooo! What happens to her? I want to know! That means that you have the ability to induct great suspence into your stories. You have taken a seemingly childish topic, and have turned it into an adventure story that the oldest of adults can read, as long as they're young at heart, as you appear to be. Tha...

I thought the idea and the prose were great, but you might want to re-edit this. There are some grammatical errors. I don't know whether they were intentional or not. But it's a great feeling, and you really captured the scene. Write more!

It's a little confusing in the beginning, I have to say. I really like it as a whole, though. However, there are a few spots that you might want to look at. Maybe you should just skim over it once more. This is still an excellent piece of writing!

I like what you're getting at. However, it's kind of awkward. I know it's poetry, but you might want to rephrase some of it. Being a haiku writer myself, I know it's hard. It's obvious you worked on this. Congrats. Instead of yes at the end you might want to say something like "dissapointment comes" or "life's dissapointment" etc. Just keep working on it. Thanks for sharing!

Ok, it's kind of confusing. Go back and edit it, because you need to. Lots of grammatical errors. Good start though. I want to read the rest. post it ASAP, ok? Good characters, good developing, good description etc. Just needs editing, which is why I didn't give it an 8 or 9. :)

Well, you can never edit too much, but this is great. Keep writing!

I really enjoyed reading this poem. it is obvious that you took raw emotion and put pen to paper, which i admire. some of my favorate phrases: -rage arises from the ash -love is to rage, rage is to hate (reminds me of star wars, but i like it) -the pen, the paper, and the headache (excellent, just excellent) -having a grip on reality, but to feel so insane (sometimes i feel like that too) i also really like how the overall rhyme scheme is freeform, but some individual parts do rhyme. kudos. i...