fuzznuts81's profile

I agree the latter is better in flow and the such, however it is a little lost to the reader that you are viewing a grave. Had I not read the 2nd version I probably would not have understood that. Perhaps you can just add a word.. sagamore indian memorial, or make the "resting beneath the brush" a little more dark. If you can't figure out a way to do that, I say go with the original version anyway.

I don't think this really belongs in the young adult category. Also, while you obviously have an emotional story here, I don't feel the anger pain etc with the narrator. Also, the punctuation is distracting. Is it intentional that you put a space BEFORE each period, comma, etc? It made it hard to read naturally. The little bit of revenge is nice, but since I am not emotionally invested when I get there, it doesn't have the payoff I would like.

I say go all out-- screw offending people. Both are funny though, so you could just keep them as a little limerick salt and pepper set. But truly, I would want to see the last one more.

This is a nice snapshot. One thing I did notice is that the water was warm... and while I know they have heated pools, I thought it odd that you were plunged into warmth instead of stinging or shocking cold. Then again a bit of unexpected it ok. I like the description of the water as a safety net. All in all, a good piece of flash. You have a good solid vocabulary and sense of description for a young writer. You definitely have talent worth shaping.