Nice... I like the blunt nature yet the flow and imagery is still away from ordinary. However the last line is a little familiar. I would suggest finding a different way to end this-- the payoff isn't big enough for me. But lovely overall.

Great sexual power-- naked compassion is a great line. At first I was not pleased with the heavenly imagery, but the last line brings it together and makes sense. The structure is almost like sex-- they payoff is at the end.

Nice piece. Very raw and powerful. The only like I had a great problem with was "i see meat." It is a little cliche, and while the next line tries to redeem it, it still isn't fresh enough for me. I really like the overall poem though.

Disturbing in the good way-- the form suits the tone-- a cascade of thoughts and emotion. The last image is a great metaphor that takes the reader beyond the story of the 2 and out to how the world perceives. While the story is " dark" the use of the word skull instead of head still seems out of place to me though.

I think if you took out the premise of the poem... that there is a storm, this could be great. Let the reader guess at why you have to rush out and make a split decision on what it important.

Good experiment but I am thinking I would like to see this as a flash piece in paragraph form-- to get the flow of thoughts in a more natural state. But it still reads nice this way.

This is a nice snapshot. One thing I did notice is that the water was warm... and while I know they have heated pools, I thought it odd that you were plunged into warmth instead of stinging or shocking cold. Then again a bit of unexpected it ok. I like the description of the water as a safety net. All in all, a good piece of flash. You have a good solid vocabulary and sense of description for a young writer. You definitely have talent worth shaping.

I say go all out-- screw offending people. Both are funny though, so you could just keep them as a little limerick salt and pepper set. But truly, I would want to see the last one more.

I don't think this really belongs in the young adult category. Also, while you obviously have an emotional story here, I don't feel the anger pain etc with the narrator. Also, the punctuation is distracting. Is it intentional that you put a space BEFORE each period, comma, etc? It made it hard to read naturally. The little bit of revenge is nice, but since I am not emotionally invested when I get there, it doesn't have the payoff I would like.

I agree the latter is better in flow and the such, however it is a little lost to the reader that you are viewing a grave. Had I not read the 2nd version I probably would not have understood that. Perhaps you can just add a word.. sagamore indian memorial, or make the "resting beneath the brush" a little more dark. If you can't figure out a way to do that, I say go with the original version anyway.