I suppose this could work. I like the simplicity of it. It's nice and open for music.

You could always change it to 'chery-dot panties.' Then it would be official. The hippo yawn is kinda disturbing. I'm down with disturbing though.

It's hard for me to critique, only because I think we have a similar approach and cadence. However, I appreciate your build-up and I really like several lines: I’m deaf/when you don’t speak; all 3 'pleadings'; and all colon breaks. These work and I appreciate your word play with mute(ations). I am only unsure of the last quotation usage with "line." I am alright without clarity, but I feel that I am perhaps on the outside of a inside story and it may be just the fault or interpretation of the...

I hate to give you bad ratings, but there was a fatal flaw with your fatal story. I can appreciate the mixed feelings of finding someone like this dead on the floor, but there was no resolution, no real plot line to make the piece a complete story. We are given some character development and then, boom, a death and nothing to lead us in how we are supposed to feel about this. Was she cheating? Does he feel freedom? Is he forlorn? Confused? We know nothing, because all we get is a creature and...

Without critiquing a "mistake," I only want to say that by leaving out ellipsis [...] at the end, and without distracting punctuation (wanes‘.) this piece wouldn't bother me so. I do like what you had to say, but as a reader, I do expect a certain amount of continuity with grammar; otherwise, there are uneasy bumps in the road and it becomes more of a task and less of a flow. Keep at it.

I truly enjoyed this piece and the first stanza is really nice. It reads well and is quite funny; even if that was not the intent. The rest of the poem takes on a different tone and, while I enjoyed the fist stanza in a different way than the rest, it moves with purpose and ends with a beautiful tone.

Sad. Interesting cadence. The feelings are disturbing but powerful.

I appreciate where you are coming from. My only question is in regard to the capitalization. I understand GREEN and BREAD; and even GOD, because it's on the US dollar; but I don't understand the capitalization of ROCKING THE BOAT. If there were some clarity, it would work into the piece and clear up the continuity issue. Otherwise, I think you get your point across.

Well done. Probably the most promising grasp of story I have read in the Flash Fiction genre on this site. I certainly think that you should form a collection of musings, if they are all this good. I will check up on more of your tinkerings since this one was such a nice surprise. I enjoyed the development of character, build up, and choice of subject. Thanks.

Nice and precise. The vestiged faults were clearly understood. The mood of the poem is stark, but not distractingly so. Good job.