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golgiapparatus's profile
AGE:
20
LOC: Rancho Mirage, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 05
LOC: Rancho Mirage, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 05
http://baleski.blogspot.com
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Version 2
9 Reviews
1 Comment
INT. DAVID'S APARTMENT - NIGHT. DAVID and CRYSTAL lie half-naked in bed.  The mattress is on the floor below a window with crooked venetian blinds.  The only light is from the outside and a faint blue glow from the dials on a stereo system.  There are lots of electronics hooked up to each other and a small bong sitting on a coffee table in the middle of the room, along with various books on physics and computer programming.  Various articles of clothing lie on the floor near the mattress...
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Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
INT.DAVID'S APARTMENT.NIGHT. DAVID and CRYSTAL lie half-naked in bed.  The mattress is on the floor below a window with crooked venetian blinds.  The only light is from the outside and a faint blue glow from the dials on a stereo system.  There are lots of electronics hooked up to each other and a small bong sitting on a coffee table in the middle of the room, along with various books on physics and computer programming.  Various articles of clothing lie on the floor near the mattress. C...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
7 Reviews
2 Comments
I am sweaty and disgusting and wearing pajamas way too warm for the climate inside my family's house. I desperately miss the attention I used to get from commenters on my old blogs, and I think I need to keep up blogging -- it'll help me organize my thoughts, and, if I do eventually pick up some readers again, maybe I could get some feedback on my headnoise from people other than Seth. I've been reading The Consumerist excessively. It makes me feel a lot more empowered than I have in a long t...
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This is definitely impressive. I really like the feel of the story, it's very classic; it makes me think of old noir films, even though its obviously in a modern setting. I really like the opening description of Pockets. Overall it's very intriguing, so I'm gonna be forced to nitpick a little. The first thing that threw me off is when you said the judge could ruin a nun's picnic. At first I was like, "What? Nuns? What nuns?" And then I realized you meant that he would ruin a nuns' picnic if i...
Was this intended to be put in the poetry section? There's no specific rhythm that I can find, and the lack of line breaks is throwing that off even more. I know there's such a thing as prose poetry, but this feels more like a rant than a poem to me. Also, I don't really understand the way you've ordered some of your sentences. You talk about alcohol and drugs as escapes, and then you say "or worse," as if you're going to list worse things, but you simply restate drugs along with tattoos and ...
Definitely held my interest. I loved it up until the final paragraph, where I understand the point you're trying to make, and you make it clearly, but there's something that doesn't seem quite right. I think it could be the final sentence. I'm usually a fan of long sentences, but this one seems a bit clumsy to me. I think it's partially the dash, and partially the repetition of forms of the verb "to read" within the last two lines, but it seems heavy, and I feel like the end could have a lot ...
I think its subject has potential, but I don't feel like it fully achieves that. The AABBCC etc. rhyme scheme annoys me beyond belief, especially since the rhythm doesn't seem consistentv and some of the rhymes seem forced, like breeze/world series. It's a nice, happy sentiment, and if you managed to develop the rhythm and imagery you might have something interesting on your hands. Things like "Our friendship that bonded like glue" and ideas like going the extra mile, etc. come across as clic...
Can I quote you on that? Seriously though, its got a nice ring to it. Saying poignant things concisely is usually the best way to say them.
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