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greggelz's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: Peekskill, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 02
LOC: Peekskill, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 02
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I am just soft flesh and easy bone I wonder which way the wind has blown I hear the rush of the cyclone I see danger in the safety zone I want to be safe and not be thrown I am just soft flesh and easy bone I pretend I am a wayward clone I feel just fine all on my own I touch the earth as if it were my throne I worry our pebble is an insignificant stone I cry because I recognize the unknown I am just soft flesh and easy bone I understand what I've outgrown I say "Life you can just not postpon...
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Version 1
12 Reviews
2 Comments
an airport made of leaves when you landed you scraped your knees i never said you had to come back down in fact i kind of liked it seeing you as you were a horizontal adjective your time in flight was so short lived but i never said you had to come back down a landing strip of dirt you touched down to prove it could work i never doubted you for a minute somehow i just hoped it so seeing you as you are a dream we wish we all could live your time on earth was prospective but i never doubted you...
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Version 1
6 Reviews
2 Comments
I posted up a sweet refrain la-la-la ti-da-da-da the snow craze has capitulated and and my mind is somewhere else la-la-la ti-da-da-da you young kids and robins always playing weight I, remarked I I could fly back in the day some places stay green some things gray la-la-la ti-da-da-da I could fly back in the day
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Your writing is obviously where it needs to be. You flow well and you told a solid story. My only wish for the work would be more line breaks and paragraphs. I find it very hard to read a story that has run-on paragraphs and no space to rest your eyes. I thought you did well with your characters in the limited time we had with them, and that you could even use them again.
caused intensity in the pain - couldn't that be rephrased - intensified the pain - when i read it first it didn't jive ankles, as well. - no comma - ankles as well Behind him, the bare cement wall where the chains were bolted that shackled his hands and feet. - behind him the (adjective) chains were bolted to a bare cement wall. Ah! Johnson thought, the answer to the “who was pushing” question in his mind. - I don't like the use of quotations here ... you could use a different phrase to let ...
overly repetitive ... you can find other ways to express yourself without the cliched redundenccies
It's cute, but it doesn't seperate itself from any other childen's work I've read before on here. Yes, it rhymes, but it's kitschy, you know? It tells the story of two pets, but lines like ... If she does, we’ll win her over/We’re better than any Rover ... seem to be forced rhymes and could use a more melodic and artistic touch. And also, what is the moral of the story? That we can do damage and be unrepentant. Not exactly the best moral.
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