gymchik104's profile

I really like the suspense of this piece. It seems like you've been working really hard on this. This is a very strong opening. It drew me in from the start. You might want to use another word besides twilight. Happy writing, JD

Well, if you want to get this published ( i really hate to break it to you) , but you are going to have to capitalize. The poetic feel submersed me into the story from the beginning. Good job on that. But as I got further it just felt repetitive and annoying. It's okay to be inspired by a writer. I was inspired to write my novel when I read "Speak" by laurie halse anderson. The key is to develop your own style aside from that. " i do it again. and again. and again. i do it to prove that i am ...

"Her sister was staring in shock, anger coursing through her ever beautiful face." Ever beautiful face? It just kind of sounded weird to me --- i don't know. I personally like your writing style. It flowed very nicely , and from what you've posted it seems pretty well thought out so far :) Your writing is very animated, and it has a lot of life to it, but i felt like something was missing. I think as you mature your story will become more believable. (I hate when people say that) Keep going! ...

"All of the graduating class was inside along with family and friends enjoying each other’s company and the simple refreshments that the kitchen had brought up twenty minutes earlier. " I would consider adding more description is the beginning, and breaking the sentence above up a little bit. I think your character allison could use a little bit more fine tuning. For the most part your dialogue was believable. “No, I have no family.” I think you could go more in depth into it and draw us in m...

" Emily turned. Facing them was a massive castle, ivy and lemon lace climbing and cascading over the stone walls." I haven't read your other chapters, and I could really be way off, but I think you should use more description. Your characters seem a little 2-d , and your story seems typical. But the paragraph that starts with ..."Inside the frame"... I liked this paragraph, and your dialogue seems pretty convincing. Keep it up! And continue. Happy writing, JD