horsees's profile
AGE:
21
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 12
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 12
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Version 1
9 Reviews
0 Comments
"What is it those gay fellows do?" is a line that I have heard as part of a story throughout my life. I used to think that it as commentary on how much the world has changed or how repectable my great-grandparents were. But now I am beginning to wonder... See the story goes like this: My grandma was a newlywed and one day her mother calls her over to ask her a question. She says: "Maryann, can you ask Lee, what is it those gay fellows do? Your father won't tell me." So the young, spritly vers...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
16 Reviews
23 Comments
Today I sat on the couch, trying to watch Jeopardy, but instead, all of my thoughts were focused on you. I let a few hot, wet tears slide from the corner of my eye onto my left cheek. I cannot possibly explain those tears or the sadness that I feel when thoughts of you flood my brain. I have never cried for a boy before, and my crying isn’t simply for want of you. Maybe it was just too much emotion for my eyes to handle. I cried the last time I saw you too; on Saturday night while we were sit...
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"For how long the man had walking"- I believe that you are missing the word "been" "Playground, Florida" Not sure if I really dig "Playground" as a name of a town. "Besides the magenta tattoo across his right forearm that read, “666” he carried only three possessions:" I am glad that ypu were trying to be creative and everything, but I don't think that a tattoo works as a possession. I also think that it would read really well if you said: A magenta tatoo that ran across his forearm read "666...
The first paragraph seems good and descriptive. I got cought up on the part where the windows shook due to gusts of wind, but I understood after reading it again. But you may want to check that anyway and decide if you want to change the phrasing. The second paragraph is great! The third paragraph appears to be less focused than the others, but still quite effective. You close this ou very well and make me happy in the moment. Congratulations of finding "okay"
I love the opening paragraph. It is both typical in it's content, but exciting in it's essance. It most deff makes the reader want to continue reading. You do get a little reduntant what with all the my gift... knew it was there... didn't know... stuff and that makes it a little boring. I realize that you were trying to be suspensful. but you don't want to go too far. The "voice" seems younger than the charactor. "A fort was our name for a space that could be used as a place to get away from ...
The first line actually kind of confuses me. What kind of fun? And who are these kids going around claiming it's old fashioned-ness and why on earth are they doing this? I mean, I have never heard talk of the sort, so... The way that youn introduced this may not be the best. The second paragraph clears things up, but I still don't get it. I never knew that those things were od fashioned. I knew that had been around a while, but they seem as modern and updated as anything else in this world, s...
Hey, It would be great if we could juts go back and read the other chapters and still reveiw this one: but we can't, so i am just going to try to do my best to offfer you some good advice based on what is here in this chapter. Okay? The voice in the first paragraph isn't my favorite. It is okay, but sounds a little bit too girly and reduntant. I ask: Do you really need this part about writing? If not, think about cutting it back or even removing it. It is a little boring and it makes me wonde...
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