This is a very cool tale with a surprising twist that both works and doesn't work for me. It works because every act leading up to the car is geared towards having a crush on a woman. You write this part very well to the point I never saw the Chevy coming. It doesn't work because of 'Men like to show off their ladies.' I have never heard a man call his car a lady. She purrs like a kitten and similiar. You could expand on this by seeing others but none of them catching your eye, perhaps even f...

She had wanted to run from their barrage and hide in somewhere filled with complete silence. She listened reluctantly to their barrage of questions, all the while wishing she could be anywhere but there. She fulfilled his male needs without need(ed)(ing) to be asked. I have read previous chapters from you and enjoyed your fast paced writing style. This is a short excerpt I know, but it lacks a degree of momentum and reads as if Nadia is only concerned about her status. Did her partner always ...

This a very talented immersive style of writing. Rarely do you read something that makes you feel as though you are walking alongside the characters. Good on you. melding the walls - Is melding a word? Perhaps American as I am English. saying the wrong thing hat would Todd off again - that would send Todd Todd’s eyes light up at the sight - lit up Your writing did not confuse me for a second. You have laid a hook to gain reader interest, there is a lot going on that you have only touched the ...

A brilliant story. I feel breathless and on the edge of my seat after reading it. What a dramatic finale - brilliant. Thank you for sharing. I hope my comments below are of some use to you. “I escaped,” Nick said (in) a smug tone. torches were scattered (the) about the grounds while reading through (the) Randolph’s journals. his way (from) through the hall and down the spiral staircase to the first floor where he met (and) Zareb. I will call Carl and have him check (and/to) make sure and had ...

I loved the cranky egg with the attitude, kind of reminds me of my 19 year old daughter in the mornings. You do a good job with the workings of the main character's inner mind and it is very funny when the cat and him both stare at the fridge while he tries to work things out. Poor Steve, a little unclear there I thought the egg was talking to the main character and calling him Steve until you repeat what have you done to Steve. A good title for the story. I hope you did/do well with this for...

An interesting piece which reminds me of in the mind of Hannibal. Your sentence structure needs a bit of work though. You could add more visual descriptions of your characters, the body, his clothes, the policemen's horrified expression. A sly smile as you watch them drink your bloody concoction. Overall I like your ideas and hope you continue with this. It’s hard to tell the difference between reality and my thoughts. (a)place where you can relax. To see the other side and understand the sic...

You have the ability to bring your words to life. The rich powerful imagery takes a poetic slant as your words flow easily through my mind. You have created a piece of work that asks many questions from the reader. The attachment to the characters is instant. In my mind this piece covers all the angles and I hope to read more from you. It does not have the feel of a seasoned writer with regard to usual sentence structure but then this is not a hindrance Dean Kootz has been slated for not bein...

This story is a surprise because in the beginning it read quite distant from the characters and then slowly we see things from the characters viewpoint. Once I engaged with the characters I found the story fascinating, very black and surreal. The parallel worlds convey so much, living together and yet living alone, different realities merging subtlety. Two possible deaths and what is left unsaid relies on the reader's imagination. Well written and a unique perspective about the ease of cuttin...

Being played whilst playing - I like it. Fantasy mimicking reality. The end is really poignant, she felt that he treated her with tenderness and he made her feel special, important,in reality his gift was the cheapest on the list and not so rare - like their friendship. He is probably one of those childish males that thinks it is clever to play with her emotions and he does not consider the effects of his actions. This whole story is very well written and engaged me right from beginning to en...

Hi there, this is a very in the moment style of writing that I like very much. You get the sense that the rest of the world disappears when she is under his stare. You are left with a sense of wanting more and you can feel the emotions of Raven as you read on. I hope you get to finish this story. It is about an ordinary matter of fact world but you make it seem rich and vibrant and I for one could read more of the same. I wouldn't say it lacks anything, but you could add more descriptive cont...