Indentions...not really something that the "tab" button helps with on this site. I normally hit the space bar four or five times at the beginning of each paragraph. Your first bit about the woman is done very well. You have a good handle on mechanics and plot-development. I'm very interested to know what has happened to her and where her children are. This is a very good talent to have. Although I have started in what appears to be the middle of a work, I am instantly intrigued. The only thi...

I like what you've done so far. I would recommend that you use exclamation points only in the direst situations. Such a literary tool should not be used lightly. *"It finally struck me that the giant black circle floating in its center was an eye as big as my war shield!"* Before this sentence, I liked your narrating voice very much. To me, it sounded thoughtful, almost quiet. The exclamation point cheapens the voice. Such devices are best used only when absolutely necessary. Otherwise, I lik...

So true...Not so sure about all the "...," though. I think you could definitely try some other forms of punctuation. Otherwise, the overall theme and execution of the theme mentioned is done well.

*Of course, Draxius XIII never prayed for real.* I might suggest that you replace "for real" with "in truth." This would add a bit more professionalism. You've got a tone in the story that bespeaks a mature writer. "for real" sounds like you just did a trick on your skateboard. That's pretty hard-core of me, but I think word choice is extremely important. As for the plot line, I am still intringued. You've got a great imagination and it's always good in combination with a writing ability.

Since you mentioned you wrote this in a hurry, I'll try to not worry you too much with mechanics. I think this has got some real potential. I like your main character. He is a bit stereotypical, as of this chapter, however. The run-away, dashing and daring Prince who has such a way with women...It's a little overused, but I'm willing to buy it. I am a little curious as to where this story takes place and when. It seems to be a middle-ages piece, but I am uncertain of whether you have placed t...

The name of your restaurant in your first sentence needs to be clarified. I'm not sure if you are refering to it as a restaurant and misspelled the word or if "Little Restraint" is the name of your restaurant. Clarify that. "tourist" should be plural in your fourth sentence. *“Come along, we need to get out of here”.* Your period needs to be within your quotation marks-unless you're British. British English and American English are different in that respect. "herd" should be "heard." "great f...

This appears to be a rough draft of a work in progress. Mechanically speaking, it needs some small work. Stylistically, it needs a complete makeover. Your first paragraph has some great detail. It's the way in which your execute those descriptions that need work. Your sentence structure is repetitive: *"His white hair was plastered to his head with sweat. He glanced around for some water to quench his growing thirst, but there was none. His stomach growled, reminding him that he had not eaten...

This is short, but not without merit. My suggestion is for you to start developing your main character. Then conceive a plot-line worthy of afore mentioned character. Some mechanical suggestions: *as if long bony fingers* you need a comma after "long." *I am nothing but an empty vessel, a bottomless hole of nothingness, I dare say theres no love left inside.* Run-on sentence; try using a semi-colon. "theres" needs to be "there's."

My interest is definitely there, but the idea is out there. Really out there. As for the normal mechanics, I would suggest you re-think the spelling of "thier" and "then" should be "than" in the second paragraph. "Dogicide"? Really? This one word throws the whole concept of the story out the proverbial window. Words are powerful and this is a little too silly, even with the plotline such as it is. As for the actual writing, you have a good way with words. They flow well. Segweys are develope...

You have an interesting premise, but the quality of the poem needs to be worked on. Even though the poem is not written in heroic couplets or written in any set rhyme scheme, you need to work on the rhythm. For instance, your third stanza uses the word "blemish" which seems to have too many syllables. This is only one of many examples. It might help to read the poem out loud to yourself to discover it's rhythmic weeknesses. Also, you've got some sort of language at the bottom. Be careful. Tol...