I like the progression and narration of the story, those are the bright spots. Your imagery and descriptions were highly successful and wonderful. Even though I can see this as a song, it's very obvious that this stands as a lyrical poem. I think the confusion comes in with the repetitive nature of your 1st and 2nd lines in each stanzas. I felt as if the repetition of the same phrases or words lost the edge you were going for. Instead, I think if you kept the same form but chose different wor...

I think this is a great poem, however, if you want to make it richer and deeper you can. I believe that your word choices are fine and that your imagery is strong. You clearly write out the speaker/character. Depending on what you want to do with this I believe that the use of more metaphors will help this piece shine more. You do a great job including word play, but I think using more would provide great layers to your piece.

"In kindergarten I didn’t like my kindergarten teacher"...I don't think you need the repetition here you can simply say my teacher. I think the you do have a lot of interesting moments to your story and the character is someone you want to know, however, I feel as if I’m denied that because were not enough details in the piece. I believe the first 2 paragraphs if divided concerning topic could be several paragraphs of information. It’s as if you gave us a glance of your life. This could work ...

I love the first sentence because it defin grabs me and pulls me in, however, "like most of my friends were back then" is a great line but I wish you would establish the time period sooner. Of even during this line. Either describe some article of clothing or some kind of music to help me know when this takes place. I like the conversations and dialogue because they felt real. It would be great to get more descriptions of the surroundings and of your characters. I want to know what you and Mi...

Your line breaks kept me pulled in,i.e."The floor was never soft and your hands were never clean. Still" Captured my attention and you maintained this flow throughout the rest of the poem. However, the last two lines are not as gripping because the story ends too abruptly. Perhaps a couple more lines detailing how you ended up with the disillusionment/feelings of lost would broaden the last stanza. Your word choices are quite interesting, i.e., "Beer-breathed and backbiting" did a great job o...

"and memories of other’s times and places." The flow with this sentence is a little off. I don't know if you should reword to another's or possible say of other times and places, but the sentence does need more work. There is good imagery from the start with the description of the cat and where you are, what you are doing. Immediately, I feel as if I am in your head. "She was my tree in life.." beautiful sentence, I feel your connection to your mother but same problem with wording with "to cl...

"uses to"- Is grammatically incorrect I think the idea and concept behind the poem is interesting but it does need some editing. Your lines do not flow well together, which means that the speed of the poem changes with each line. It doesn't make the poem coherent. Also, concerning your subject you can stand to lose a couple of stanzas. You are moving around what you are trying to say instead of just stating it, as such, it makes sentences longer than needs be. I believe this poem needs someth...

I think this can find publication in some Christian forums or magazine. However, understanding the format it did take me a couple of readings to understand the story because some words seemed awkward in certain places. Anyway, I think the poem is solid. It would have been nice to see a little bit more suffering but I still liked how you built the story and narrated the situation. I think more emotion would have brought my depth to the piece and made it more emotional.

"but he always had his book open to page 103" The wording makes me think this is his usually daily routine. That he does this all the time, so I'm a little confused when the next line states he just started. That line really shapes who this character is, in my mind quirky, etc. So when I read the next sentence and see the motivation and even when he started it throws me off. A simple additional word like, "but lately he always..." can resolve that. Her eyes lowered to the book in her thinly v...

Love, "Myself, Tom, Stan, and Theodore stood at the edge of the universe," it really pulled me in right away and I automatically became invested. "of the absurd play, because they seem painfully..." It seems as if you have the wrong pronoun here. You were talking about the planet earth so they appears incorrect if you were talking about all of the planets then please make the previous sentence a little bit clearer. "in the land where Stonehedge was" This can suffice with a simple, "in the lan...