jackwriter's profile
AGE:
27
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: February 15
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: February 15
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Items
Version 3
21 Reviews
1 Comment
It’s raining again. The water is dripping down the window panes. No, it’s streaming. Hours spent watching how water hits glass *ping* then slowly, oh so slowly starts a quest down, down, the slippery ice of glass, and it weaves: sharply left for a moment. Then shoots right...until it chooses a path, sticks with a path, clings to the icy downward slope and moves downward on in staggered motion; quickly now, oh but pause a moment…and then spurting forward again. A pearl of hydrogen and oxygen t...
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Version 1
8 Reviews
0 Comments
When did it become okay to kill a man just because you hold a gun?
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
16 Reviews
0 Comments
I don't claim to be original...I just say it better.
Ratings & Rankings
Version 2
7 Reviews
0 Comments
It’s raining again. The water is dripping down the window panes. No, it’s streaming. Hours spent watching how water hits glass *ping* then slowly, oh so slowly starts a quest down, down, the slippery ice of glass, and it weaves, sharply left for a moment, then shoots right, until it chooses a path, sticks with a path, clings to the icy downward slope and moves downward on in staggered motion; quickly now, oh but pause a moment…and then spurting forward again. A pearl of hydrogen and oxygen th...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
16 Reviews
1 Comment
Life is what you make of it. Like a cake. If you want it to be sweet, throw in some chocolate chips. If you want it to be simple, stick with the flour and the eggs. Will somebody please pass me the bourbon?
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Reviews
What you seem to have is a list of subjects to talk about. Reading through them the way they are now it's too choppy and not particularly fun to read. However, I think you have some great material to work with so if you took some of these ideas/events and expanded them, you could write something really interesting. You have to make it a story. For example, just telling us you learned to work with animals has no significance. Who cares? But if you tell us a story about working with animals, ma...
That first line is quite the mouthful. It feels like you're trying too hard to cram in as much description as possible into it. Living room and sofa shouldn't be capitolized. Your description of them as a couple is too typical. Every couple has something unique that they share-give some details about what they did together besides curling up and watching TV. It would make them better characters and a better read. "Expressions of their deep...hanging...reminding...." you change tense here. Don...
I liked your piece a lot, and that doesn't happen often. While the grammar freak in me cringed at it, I think you manipulated the use of spacing to add a level to the writing that otherwise would have made its meaning lacking. I think it works because you wrote it honestly without real intent or device; I also think that if you had to take a stream of consciousness and put into a form of writing this is exactly what it would look like. This is definitely a piece of poetry, regardless of wheth...
"moutain of muscles" should be mountain. It's quite difficult to develop characters in only 750 words, but you did it decently enough. I would put the line "I waited until 10:45 and then began" in-between the next lines: "...desperate. I approached my..." or cut it out, although it does add to the time line. Where it is now, it interrupts the flow--you say you began, but instead of delving into it, you give us more information. I would be interested in reading this once you've added to the ch...
This is belongs in blogging, not non-fiction. This is not even writing, it is just rambling. In the first paragraph you say that time is moved by gravity? That doesn't make any sense. Then you pose a cliche as a question (which is bad enough): "does time heal all wounds", but you never bother to make any attempt at answering, or at the very least, addressing this question. You also over-use ellipses way more than you need to. I feel like you want comments on what you wrote about though (yours...
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