OVERVIEW As with your other work, you've hit on a good vehicle for expressing your subject matter: matching the mother's melodrama with ten-dollar words. That alone is a marvelous piece of work; but I'd like to see you really NAIL the damn thing. As is, I have to say the poem falls a little short of its promise. Your nit-picking title is, in this regard, perfectly chosen. COUNSEL I think this poem could use a little plot-work, to help you better characterize the mother and get more comedy out...

OVERVIEW Your cadence is strong, but I'm not sure your idea is entirely clear to you. As such, it somewhat interferes with this piece-- as I'll try to explain below. PROOFREADING "atop" = "on top of" (dispense with "of" when using the former) Is there really gravel on top of concrete _on top of grass_? If so, how on earth can you see the grass? "BELOW" Your language seems to disapprove of the scene you describe. This needn't be the case: I can well imagine (and I have written) descriptions of...

OVERVIEW This piece is well beneath your talent, Cavol. I don't see any strong rhythms here (the proposed revisions improve your work a bit in this regard, but hardly enough to make a significant difference). I don't see the inventively coined imagery your other work has. I don't see the verbal wit or conceptual strategies you elsewhere employ. In short-- and I say this relative to your other work-- this is still a _sketch_ for a poem, a very preliminary document. The point you make is really...

OVERVIEW If these "Day" poems are part of a sequence, you're going to need a sequence title. Keep that in mind, and be on the lookout for something that presents an overall thematic or formal idea uniting the pieces. This piece in particular I find rather weak, since it boils down to a pun on "between," and since I detest puns. Despite that, however, I do find it appropriately sentimental; the piece is short, light, and sweet. COUNSEL Beware of starting too many poems with "I..." It gets old ...

OVERVIEW This poem has an idea in it, but you're not letting it come forward. It could be presented more clearly, and gains nothing by being obscured. COUNSEL You need a stanza-break at "keeping." It would make line 3 resonate a bit more, and remind us of the context: the beloved is afar, which is why _at this moment_ "loving you IS lonely." CAUTIONS * Do you really want to play on "laid my new friends"? I'm not saying I don't like it; I'm just saying I can't tell how deliberate the joke is. ...

OVERVIEW This more than your other "Day" poems is still very much a sketch-- loose notes rather than a finished piece. In its relation to the others (which also seem unfinished), this poem announces itself as a departure ("off-topic") but doesn't quite deliver, since "Day 2" was largely about the same topic-- making art. COUNSEL I feel that you need to rethink this piece and decide what you want it to say. Clearly, you have a lot of potential statements in here; but your avoidance of punctuat...

OVERVIEW I like what you're attempting here, but I think some minor technical and thematic issues interfere with your presentation. Essentially, you're providing a cinematic view of the postulated Big Bang event (though not the theory itself); your metaphors, however, seem to introduce extraneous material which you don't manage fully. It clutters the poem, and bogs down your imagery with unnecessary details. Happily, however, I think your main revisions will be cuts-- meaning, this draft (wha...

OVERVIEW You and I evidently disagree about some fundamental aspects of writing and of poetry, and I look forward to your (anticipated) rebuttal of my critique. If my critical assumptions are flat-out misapplied here, I trust you'll let me know. I've read this poem several times, and I have to say that if I read the stanzas in reverse order, the piece improves considerably. THAT tells me your construction is defective. I also notice that any stanza can be cut without much altering the poem's ...

OVERVIEW Your exposition putters along at a steady pace, and it seems well adapted to a young (probably early teen) audience. The cussin’ is no big deal, except insofar as schools still censor what every kid knows at age 6. Still, you might postpone it a bit, so that it doesn’t create the expectation that the whole book will be like that. Also, the diction “my bald dude” led me to imagine an adult speaking of a co-worker. This being the story’s kickoff moment, you might characterize the speak...

OVERVIEW For someone admittedly learning, this isn't a bad start. It IS predominantly a list, which you're aware of; and that's a form you can use to advantage, if you stop and smell the roses of it. WEAKNESSES The opening stanza needs to go. "Touch me / in secret places..." George Michael, anyone? Just cut it. No qualms. It's a bad gambit. It exposes you to laughter before you even get underway. Generally, using "touch me" as your theme gives the poem a needy attitude I'm not sure I like. Co...