At the beginning of this chapter you retell what happened in the chapter 1. Why? If somebody reads all the chapters, they would be bored to reread the synopsis. You begin by telling that after 6months the kitchen was rebuilt. But later on she tells Gregory that the house is done. So, be consistent. Three times you write 'okay?' in dialogues, both times those are not questions. This chapter the pace is slower than in the chapter1, but still good. I still don't know where you are leading, but I...

@ After months of dream research… general conclusion I have come to@--after so long time, it's still 'general' conclusion? Not specific? @ random thought mutations manifesting in our@--manifesting what? @ However, recently a dream@--I didn't feel there was anything opposite to what you are writing here. If not, why 'however'? @ But yes, the woman I speak of changed me@--But what? What 'but' has to negate? @ have been cretins@--'cretins' usually says something about the teller, you, about your...

@I'll come back tomorrow and by then you will have a nice pai of slippers for me.@--pair of slippers. @A message to mo mand dad about a weekend away@--"mo and dad" @But the one thing no mastermind has most like never taken into account is Divine Intervention.@--it's a double negation. It should be "…no mastermind has most likely ever taken into account…" @no nurses trying to force me ack to bed@--back to bed. @get my adrenaline ruhing@--rushing. Well, I finished with the taste for more. I lik...

@But you said you couldn’t see nor think clearly But I said I didn’t care because you were never a 100 percent@ You should change the second "but" because this way it sounds wrong. I like you compare him to a dented car in which he doesn't want you to ride. It's an interesting parable. @You didn’t have to stay with a girl Who legs were open@---it should be "whose legs" It's a very good poem about torn out girl who doesn't know who to blame, still loving the boy.

@Tate and are experts in crab hunting, we always catch the biggest and liveliest crabs.@--i think you mean "Tate and I are experts... @They are the smoothest, shiniest and blackest of all the muscles--oblong and sharp on one end@ when you write "--" it should mean that you explain something written immediately before. But here, you just add some other qualifiers. So, you should put a comma instead : "all the muscles, oblong and sharp" Ans is it "muscles" or "mussels"? @Were we were there was ...

@Harry turned a deaf ear to Ralphie’s crazy analogies. Two weeks ago he found out that Stella had left Harry@--it took me a few sentences to understand that "he found" you meant Ralph. The sentence implies Harry found, not Ralph. @He had placed as bid to build a new shopping center for Woolrights.@--a bid. @Stella I want to you to get home today@ --I want you @Here’s what, if you don’t get your ass in that car and get back here. Daisy the cream@--sentences should be combined by comma instead ...

It's an amusing story. I like the thought process. The only two thing I noticed: You begin with past tense "Dusk fell upon the dark" and immediatley continue with the present tense. Is the Internet really sending a message to caution the user? It sounds illogical - this way you tell the bad guys - we know about you.

@ Friday night came around a lot faster than I would have liked. I had never experienced the end of the week fly by so fast@ --From the secon sentence I understand that the weekend flew by. But you meant that the week itself flew by, so you should delete "the end of". @ Boy was I wrong on that one.@--I think you'd put a comma after "boy". @ “What no Padres jersey?”@--I think a comma after "what" will be suitable. @ You skipped that over that when you were telling@--twice "that" @ “Look why do...

@body bags being dragged out and on lookers gawking at the free show.@--it should be one word "onlookers" @ The events of the night making her numb to what he his telling her.@--" it should be "he is telling her" @“Why don't you kill him?” Claudia crumples the now orange hued wipe “Because he cared enough to try to save mine.”@ --"mine" implies there was "live" before, but you didn't use this word. So, now you should write "my life". It's an interesting chapter.

The line beginning with @ “But she is young and inexperienced, Batiste,”@ - you wrote Batiste's answer on the same line - put it on a separate line - that's the way readers prefer to see dialogues. @Take the chosen one to Tatie Nandi so she can prepare for Batiste.”@--to prepare what or whom? Maybe "prepare her for Batiste"? And here too you put speaces of different persons in the same passage. Make them in separate paragraphs. @Unfortunately, she miscalculated and underestimated Batiste’s al...