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AGE: 42
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Sci Fi & Fantasy / A Song for the Dead, Chapte One
Version 1
1 Review   0 Comments
Things got started very simply, big things. Everything that all of us had ever wanted was wrapped up in a very short voice mail message, just a few simple words that meant everything to a bunch of teenagers in a little college town in Michigan. “Hi, guys. It's Blue. Listen. I have a job for you. I'm on my way home right now. Meet me at Fiddler's Green after closing tonight, and I'll tell you all about it.” Stephan had handed me the phone. I listened to the message three times, gig...
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Version 1
8 Reviews   0 Comments
Dad had said that he’d be at the house at six. He arrived at five-forty. Ephraim had said that my dad must have been Jewish in a past life. When I asked him why, he said: “Because your dad runs on Jewish time – Twenty minutes early.” He’s a little taller than me, with broader shoulders and a big belly. Teardrop-shaped glasses like pilots wear. Sandy, thinning hair, five shades lighter than mine is when I don’t dye it. A neatly-trimmed mustache. He was in a charcoal gray suit that night, with ...
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Short Story / We Are In This Together
Version 1
11 Reviews   5 Comments
Dead Girl had gone home for an hour or so, and when she came back to the restaurant, she handed me an envelope. “Hey, Larry ... Who do you know in Fort Huachuca, Arizona?” “My former roommate,” I said, and smiled. “He’s the only guy I know who would send me mail from Fort Anywhere.” Dead Girl sat at the counter, in her enormous gray sweater, her pale hair hanging in her face in a messy French twist. She was wearing glasses, too, plain black geek-frames that somehow looked cool on her. There w...
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Poetry / Friend
This is really well-done. I'm not really a fan of rhyming or meter in modern poetry; it tends to sound very artificial at times. Here, though, I think it works, and you tie things up wonderfully in the last stanza. Very good work.
Novel Treatments / Chapter One
Punctuation needs a bit of cleanup, and you should probably keep an eye on you vocabulary ... I suspct that when you say, "The gobbles seized," you mean that they "ceased." Conceptually, within the structure of a novel, a chapter is a scene; the paragraphs after the asterisk might be more properly placed in another chapter; but on re-reading it, I get the impression that you're using the description of the city as a contrast to your earlier description, and that works pretty well, setting up ...
Novel Treatments / Li Vevil
You need to work on your verbs a bit ... "slickened" and "had drug" are improper, "slicked" and "had dragged" are correct. Overall, this is pretty clean copy. There's a lot of description in here, but there's also a lot of realy abstract thought as well; you might want to take a look over this and make sure that you're not telling something that would be better shown in some more tangible way. This is a good start, though!
Novel Treatments / The Kingdom of Shadowcast
Your descriptions and overall narrative voice are pretty decent, but please keep in mind that the archaic language is best left to the characters than the narrator in modern fantasy fiction. Also, you need to tighten up your grammar. “But dear,â Grogan’s eyes were pleading. “Don’t ‘but dear’ me. I know you too well. The season of the deer is upon us and I’ll not have you off on some wild adventure.â The proper way to do that would be something like: "But dear -- !" "Don't 'But dear' me. ... "...
Short Story / The Woodpecker
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