jdbm's profile
AGE:
18
LOC: Miami, FL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 02
LOC: Miami, FL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 02
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Items
Version 2
1 Review
0 Comments
We’ve been settling the moon, babe, But I must get home soon. Been flying up here, For all an afternoon. Told you to keep quiet, babe, I thought you understood. I aint got time for excuses But, you’ve been excused. This fate left me wondering Way up in the clouds. With little food and A gag in my mouth. Engines overheating, Not a pretty sound. Gonna get me a dagger seed, Plant it in the ground. I can think of days where I forget my head. Leave it in the kitchen, Or o...
Version 2
2 Reviews
1 Comment
Tell the furniture its old, I don’t think it knows How many years have passed, it sits there as if it still was 1989. I would tell you the same, but you know it more than I, Wherever you are, you know it has been a long time. I’m weary of this life, death may take me anytime. I long to be with you at day, and sleep next to you at night, But these are empty hopes, pointless hopes, For I know you can keep a promise, and yo...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
Oh, the water washing down my home, Swimming with the fishes now I morphed I’m a gator hunting alone In the Louisiana swamps I’m lost Living only on food stamps this sucks Sleeping under a bridge, my back broke I’m fishing in my porch A year since I lost my son Every time it rains I drown With this help I can do without Jesus I’m forgetting the sound When Mardi Gras in town Spent a millennia on the roof Going underwater for food...
Version 2
4 Reviews
0 Comments
I hope we’ll be older When the sun,fades away Cuz right now I can’t take it. Tomorrow, I don’t know if I can I hope when it’s over When you say your goodbyes I hope I’ll be sober To implore you to stay I hope when darkness sets in And night time invades I hope I’ll be fast asleep Asleep in my grave When I run out of nails And my bud burns away I hope...
Version 1
3 Reviews
0 Comments
I hope, I hope we’ll be older When the sun, the sun fades away Cuz right now, right now I can’t take it Tomorrow, I don’t know if I can I hope, I hope when it’s over When you say your goodbyes I hope, I hope I’ll be sober To implore you to stay I hope, I hope when darkness sets in And night time invades I hope I’ll be fast asleep Asleep in my grave When I run out of nails And my bud burns away I hope you’ll be there To say it’s okay
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Reviews
this isnt just a poem, its social commetary. the white child will be getting a black kids heart. it is so entereting. i love it. who might the narrator be? just an observer or family? or a doctor? i want to know the answers if you let me or maybe you dont want anybody to know or just read and try to find out?
i liked it, the commas make you have a better rhythm thus making the poetry more fun to read. i like the last three stanzas the best they make the best argument about love. very good
,i felt good after reading it and that is a very good talent as a writer to make the reader feel good, and warm inside.. though its mood is somehow melancholic because of the relationship that will never be. i think some punctuation is needed for example in the 7 stanza. our bond will never be allowed(i think theres a comma here), fro you are the sky (another comma),I'm just a cloud. really good overall
my only critique would be the repeat of hills on the 7 and 9 line. is it really necessary? well i dont think those three lines really make sense (lines 7,8,9) you should change it to something more comprehendible
well it is good overall, but i need to know what type of music it is. because the first verse sounds like it could be metal, because it sounds dark. then the 5th verse is so punk. i mean that good though, that it mixes, but i want to know what music it is. so write me. and the line "but who want to give up what they want for what they need" is excellent . also that it is long and intelligent is really good mostly with the crap lyrics bands put out today.
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