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jeanniecm1984's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: Rutherford, NJ
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 15
LOC: Rutherford, NJ
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 15
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Items
Version 1
9 Reviews
12 Comments
Everyone knows how the story goes: ungodly handsome boy meets uncommonly beautiful girl, boy likes girl, girl has some kind of drama, blah, blah, blah and they end up married with an ungodly handsome amount of uncommonly beautiful children. The fairy tale even I dreamed about when I was younger and less cynical. I know now that the games men and women play with each other are more trouble than they are worth. Men and women are idiots. Neither side can or will be straightforward with each oth...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
8 Reviews
15 Comments
The room I'd been allocated was as cold and gray as the sky outside, or at least it was, as far as I could tell without an actual window. The clothing I was wearing was far too thin for… I didn’t know what month it was, I didn't even know the day of the week; in fact, I wasn't even sure how long I'd been in the room. Probably a year. No one had visited; my heart was aching for Charlie. I ...
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Here are a few places you can cut down: "scarf!I" (+1) "Come in." (+4) "He entered"(+5) "you find" (+3) Eliminating "talking..." (+4) "Thanks." (+1) "he closed..." (+1) That gives you 19 words to build your story a little more. Maybe add why Tiff remembers him from the cafe, or why she lets some strange man into her house. We've all heard real-life stories like this, so I think you nailed the subject matter.
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
"year(,) which" Suggestion: "He had been sitting in the kitchen with..." "the _sight_ of" What? Where did the ending go? Not sure if I'd reviewed this before, but I've definitely read it. This version is a lot better and cleaner. And easier to understand who the characters are. and the emotion is better too.
"Making an effort..." is awkward as written. Try "Eric had been making..." How does the whole town know Eric wants to be in the NFL? "rewarding to himself" Also, note how old Eric is at this point. Sophomore? Junior? "body postured..." is awkward, and also tells rather than shows. How is his pose militant? Are his hands snapped to his sides? Heels together? you might want to put a break before "In the principal's". "tenured" Also, why wouldn't it be all of the teachers? "in posture" is unnece...
Suggestion: "landmarks. They" Suggestion: "nightfall; the" "welcoming, anymore" <--one word "they gave..." who is 'they? if you're referring to the ladder, use "it". I find it hard to believe that Todd would wish someone wasn't born simply because he was woken up. If he resents Knowlan that much, perhaps we need a hint as to why. The way Todd and Josh interact suggests that they are/will be lovers, e.g Josh cooing, Todd's description of Josh's eyes, leaning against each other, etc. Boys ge...
"Heavy coat.." 'also' is unnecessary because this is the first mention of the coat. I also suggest replacing ", but" with "that" and leave out "still", as those words suggest a comparison where none is made. "Make-shift" "Squallor" is the formal name of a territory, and as such should be capitalized. A couple of times you spelled it with one l. Be consistent with capitalizing place names. If Remus is looking _at_ Dimitri, how is it he's seeing into the distance? "off limits more outlying" is ...
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