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jeremycage's profile
AGE:
31
LOC: Fredericksburg, VA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 15
LOC: Fredericksburg, VA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 15
I’m a longtime writer of fiction but have only recently decided to share it with others. My primary interest is high-quality popular detective fiction: ultimately, I want to write a series of detective novels with the same characters.
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Version 1
15 Reviews
0 Comments
Lex Talionis by Ian Campbell Lenny Kovakis arose from the dead one Friday morning with a mother of a headache. He sat up and massaged his temples, but the pain stayed lodged stubbornly in front of his left ear. What did he drink last night? Where the hell was he? He looked around the boring beige room with its boring furniture and a painting of a cottage by the sea and thought Hotel? He shrugged and drew the thin blanket back. He must’ve really tied one on last night: this was the first time ...
Version 1
10 Reviews
0 Comments
PROLOGUE _Thursday 19 December 2002_ _Charles Landau hated being lied to. The fact that he lied regularly to nearly everyone he knew had no bearing on this. He hated being lied to, but he could accept that it happened. People had their reasons. What he truly hated was being lied to clumsily, by people who should have known better. And Peter was a clumsy liar, and a man who should have known much better. Peter, of all people: they’d known each other since graduate school, Charlie always first ...
Version 1
17 Reviews
12 Comments
_Thursday 19 December 2002_ “BANG! Just like that. For an instant, I thought it might have been a gunshot.” Elise was trying not to sob as she spoke. “So I ran over here to see what happened.” Inspector Mustapha Alawi turned back to look down at Elise, whose pale gamine face was blotched with tears and mascara. “And that’s when you saw his head, Ms. Morgan?” “Doctor Morgan.” She shook her head. “Never mind. Call me whatever you want. I thought it was the cart. There’s a cart with a Mac and a...
Version 2
13 Reviews
6 Comments
The sunny patio was too tempting to resist, even through the tinted glass windows of the coffeehouse. Before sitting down at the wobbly oval metal table, she picked up the ashtray with two fingertips and a grimace of distaste, then placed it atop the low cement wall that encircled the patio. She nodded and smiled at the trio of gorgeous black men at the only other occupied table. They had better manicures and more expensive shoes than she was ever likely to have. She sipped her coffee while e...
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Reviews
I'll start off by making it clear that I am not your target demographic. I would pretty much never get far into a story like this because the genre is just not for me. But I understand this kind of military mission fiction is pretty popular, so keep on writing. I also never read summaries or previous chapters, as if I were picking the book up in the bookstore. I don't think you're ready to publish, though. The story doesn't really GO anywhere: there are just way too many scenes of guys standi...
This didn't do much for me. There's nothing outwardly wrong with the story, but the prose is just... not ready for prime time. You don't have any clear idea how to use punctuation properly: this is the primary problem. There are dozens and dozens of places where you're essentially using punctuation as if you were speaking colloquial English, and to any experienced reader these jar very badly. But this is ultimately a trivial problem: a quality English manual and maybe a composition course, or...
Let me be clear from the start: I don't read recaps or synopses. Think of me as picking up your book in the bookstore and flipping it open to the beginning of this chapter. And I would probably put it down. But not right away. It's not bad, really: the story has momentum and you're a reasonably good prose writer. There's enough background here and there to give me the info I need to figure out approximately where I stand in the story. There's just two things wrong with it from my perspective,...
First of all, no story needs a 5500 word prologue. Go watch the original Star Wars movie, when the words come up on the screen. That's as long as a prologue gets to be. Background data should be part of the story. I also never read prologues or expository info when reviewing work here; I approach the submission as if it were where I happened to open the book when I paused upon it on the bookstore table. And I would put it down more or less immediately. "Hmm," I would think. "This is another s...
33.3333% Review Quality (3 Votes)
I really quite liked this; you do an excellent job of going from humans to gods but keeping the main structure of the conflict in place. I never read synopses, choosing instead to treat any given submission as a piece on its own, as if I were thumbing through it in the bookstore and happened upon this particular chapter. I was impressed enough that I'd probably go back to the beginning, which is usually the first step toward buying it. And I'm usually pretty harsh on F/SF. There's only a coup...
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