jhmckeogh's profile

In redrafts, pay attention to showing action versus telling it. "She'd spent enough time in her head preparing for this, and now it was time to prepare physically." This line doesn't add anything. Let her do some other stretch, show that her head is in it, she's just working the body now. I felt i wanted to see a more detailed account of annabelle's dance. what about it makes it magic? The line about the air and not feeling it needs to be retooled.... now its too clunky, forced even. Overall,...

I liked this piece, although it was a little hard with the formatting. I had to really go slow to get it down, to make sure i understood how it was being paced. With longer pieces like this, i reccommend putting in the spaces for tabs manually, because they don't copy/paste so well. The piece itself. I like how your characters come in and out, how Sandi reacts to them, and how its not always in the expected way. I think you could use to replace some of the later pronouns with proper names, ju...

This is the first i'm reading in the series, and i think i'm gonna start catching up. This is entertaining. Flows well. I like how your characters move around this world you've created. Also, Mikell, Zeke, Janessa, Lauriana, good name choices. My one critique is that sometimes you fall into pushing the plot a little inorganically through dialogue. I think this would work a lot better, a lot more fluidly, if you used less of that tact. For me, i like the dialogue to flesh out character just as...

I'm interested so far. I like the usage of the greek (roman?) characters. Also, morpheous, great touch. I'm inthe middle of Gaiman's Sandman and you should check it out for other perspectives of what your working with. The ending. I know you say you are going to continue to work on this, but for how long. What would happen if the protagonist doesn't heal in the end. I dunno, i thought that would be a good denoument to explore. Good work, James

omit "The phone had already clicked and he knew," its redundant. there seems to be a point of view shift at "Sam saw that it wasn’t just a trick of his eye". I would try to keep the third person in torres' control, since the narrator seems to be pulling for and thinking as Torres. Its jarring for the reader to be thrust into other characters head (without section breaks or other cues...). I think you can do this without too much editing, perhaps have the pov shift occur at organically with th...