Overall, I don't feel like this is a bad query, but it isn't terribly exciting either. You're hook is less about the manuscript, and more about where you can travel on a subway. I suggest focusing on the ms, and leaving the subway travel and how great New York is out of it. I'm going to start with the opening: I am seeking representation for my novel (No you are not. You are seeking representation for a manuscript. A novel is a published work, until then use only the term manuscript. Novel, l...

Not a bad query, but there are a couple of things you might want to address. The first one is submitting a 15k word mystery. That's not even close to an appropriate word count for YA or middle grade fiction. Heck, that's a short novella, almost a short story. Which puts a lot of pressure on you. This will be a hard sell, even though it's well written. Okay, so other than that. You start off by passively asking to be repped: I read on the LBK website that you represent a wide variety of fictio...

Let me start at the beginning of your query: I am seeking representation for my novel (This is not a novel until it is published, use the term manuscript), The King of Nothing, complete at 46,460 (Is that a word processor count? Or a publisher count? If it's a word processor one, you might consider changing to a publisher count to fluff up the count. Because 46k is small for a YA, which this seems like. The conversion is page count divided by 250) words. The sequel, The Kingdom inside the Cat...

I believe I reviewed your query letter for this, so please forgive me if I restate certain opinions. First off, I'm confused by your ultimate goal with this. I'm assuming the first part is like a book blurb to tell us what we're reading, if not, do you plan to start off with it? Okay, so you begin with a woman shooting up, and suddenly flash back to first grade? Am I right in assuming the woman is the child? I'm not clear on that. Furthermore, the prelude offers some interesting elements, tha...

From the top: Dear Ms(.) Einstein (: or ,) Re: Query Letter – The Tailor of Winchester (Remove this, a Re: Is a response to, and this is the initial query) I am writing in response to the Opportnity (SP) you posted on Urbis. (Your first line should hook the agent, this is far from a hook. Since you are using urbis to submit, she knows it is response to urbis. Don't waste the chance to hook her) I am seeking representation for my historical fiction novel (2 things. 1) this is not a novel. A no...

A couple of interesting things going on here. I like the tension of his traveling to see this unknown, but known girl. You showed that well. I could read the rest without much problem. Okay, there are a few things that set me on edge. The first one was your telling rather than showing. It happened throughout the sample. Example: When I awoke Monday morning to drive to Hudson to meet Samantha, I didn’t know that her uncle had taken a tumble during .... This couple of paragraphs are a perfect e...

From the top: What would you do if a world ... (Many agents suggest you don't begin with a question. Now, I don't think this is a bad one, maybe a bit long, but I think it works as a hook) Calvin Thomas wasn't always crazy. He began as a caring, gentle and loving brother to his sister, Eleanor, and cared for her after their parent's mysterious death. (Too much information. Your goal is to provide the conflict and make me want to read your ms. This back story doesn't do that. I like the wasn't...

The story intrigues me, and I'd read further. The writing's okay, could be tightened a bit by cutting out many of the adverbs. If you're using lots of adverbs, it's usually because your verbs aren't strong enough. So I'd look at that. Example: the nurse instructed sharply, "And be careful, she gets violent." He looked at me hesitantly. Show us via the dialogue that she's sharp, or that he's hesitant. Also, a bit passive. Example: His grasp slipped a little and I was able to break out of it, f...

As I'm working on a fairytale type tale as well I was interested in reading this. And yes, you really need to work on punctuation, so I won't point out grammar issues, but know that they are there. As for the story, I'm not sure it works for YA, nor as a novel. The first problem I see is that everything happens too fast between Harmony Divine (which I hate to say brings instantly to mind a stripper) and Luca. There is no tension, no working towards or building of a relationship, so I'm not in...

Seemed to fit the category well. But in most romances I read, the same question comes to mind. Why kill the parents off? Now, I think it works as far as building tension in the opening. It kept me actively involved in the story, and I'd likely read more. As for criticisms: First off, you have some errors in punctuation specifically when using dialogue. Here's an example of how dialogue should be punctuated: "I want to go," she said. He laughed. "You're wrong." "Let me," she yelped, "go." If y...