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jklepadlo50's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: Colorado Springs, CO
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 26
LOC: Colorado Springs, CO
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 26
Im Justin, a 25 year old single father from CO. I write short stories, poetry, and I have written 1 novel (Unpublished). I am here strickly to be critqued. Be brutal if you want but please be constructive. if I suck tell me why.
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Why don’t you jump ship? She said As If I haven’t though about it a thousand times. The glory of a free fall would do me good. So vicious and cold her heart I couldn’t stand to look into her eyes anymore Trapped in the mind of the child once me The tears and the laughter a blur Frustrating and confused Can you toss this blank look a side? She said It’s only blank because you took my real emotions And she did Buried under the once riffled soul. I can travel far and wide and never see your face...
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WE OFTEN USE A CODE NAME Cody apartment is on 13th and Speer, near the Convention Center. His apartment complex is loaded with young professional singles according to Caleb. He probably makes a lot of money from the stressed out crowd looking to get high, whatever their drug of choice, When I left he was simply selling pot and a little X. Caleb was never into X and it seems he has plenty of weed with him. His new drug must be something harder, probably coke. He always did coke in college. Hel...
Version 1
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ARRIVAL OF THE FITTEST I can still taste the salt on my tongue. The water’s not helping wash away the spiking tastes of these salted peanuts. It was a small bag of peanuts, a familiar mid-flight appetizer. I decided on water after I noticed my hands were getting clammy. I guess it is a good thing I didn’t get a rum and Coke. Luckily the water helped me relax. That and the anxiety pill, third one today. The flight attendant is pleasant as I hand her the now empty bag with blue and white stripe...
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The style you have written in should be a little different. Easier to read. You need to place more action in between the characters talkin. It would be wasier to understand that way. You may concider getting a copy of Final Draft and using it to help with your script writting. That is probably the best program you could get out there. The dialogue is a little dry but you could easily spruce it up with some more action.
I think you should look at the dialoge a little further. It needs a little bit more to add attention. The depth in the chatacters isnt defined much. You did a good job with your format. That can stay for sure. Also your scene enter and exit are on point. You just need a little work with the characters Good Luck
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I got lost in the book, not all the ideas were compeling. The dialoge needs to be spruced up a bit. I know because I have the same problem. I like some parts of the chapter but a lot of it was hard to keep my attention. My suggestion would be to put more placement on the characters. Describe what they are doing a little more and then try and add a little more pazzae in the words your using. I know it is sometimes hard. Over all good start
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