Wow. This is an amazing Poem. i really like the work. I didnt find any parts of the poem jagged. I believed the work and trusted that it would get dark and light all at once.

THe use of present tense works well. I am a big fan of present tense.

Creative, very interesting use of a DOcter and Nurse

I enjoy where you are going with this. THe plot has a lot of potential. One suggestion I would give you is to take a look at defining the characters a little more. I understand this is just a short but by adding some more depth to the characters you show the reader a little more of something to care about .

That was good. Im horrible with grammer so i didnt find anything to correct for you. The descriptions in the fisrt and second part seem poet. Like I am reading a poem of sorts. i did enjoy that part. The ending of what you have posted left a door open to my curiousity. I would like to read more. Your description is very good. At times i got a little lost in the dialogue. Over all I think you should write more

I enjoyed the first persent context. It works well with the character. i also like how you reviel more about the character as you read. How he owns a small garage. THe way you ended the piece is interesting. It keeps interest.

I got lost in the book, not all the ideas were compeling. The dialoge needs to be spruced up a bit. I know because I have the same problem. I like some parts of the chapter but a lot of it was hard to keep my attention. My suggestion would be to put more placement on the characters. Describe what they are doing a little more and then try and add a little more pazzae in the words your using. I know it is sometimes hard. Over all good start

I think you should look at the dialoge a little further. It needs a little bit more to add attention. The depth in the chatacters isnt defined much. You did a good job with your format. That can stay for sure. Also your scene enter and exit are on point. You just need a little work with the characters Good Luck

The style you have written in should be a little different. Easier to read. You need to place more action in between the characters talkin. It would be wasier to understand that way. You may concider getting a copy of Final Draft and using it to help with your script writting. That is probably the best program you could get out there. The dialogue is a little dry but you could easily spruce it up with some more action.