joshuasambula's profile

Very good story, and for a... considerably slower paced story than I'm usually accustomed to, I was very interested. There are a few errors that I noticed (Rather than retype many of your sentences I'll just point out the correction by using brackets "[]"): "..except for [the] company of Jinx..." "...take the time [to] look beyond..." "...with such force that the buckets of raspberries went airborne." There's nothing grammatically wrong with this sentence, I just feel like the wording doesn't...

I pretty much loved it, it was well written and thought out. I just noticed a few things: try "...pupils, dilated, stared..." instead of "pupils dilated stared". The sentence just doesn't seem to work without the commas. You put: "...for the first time as mopped..." I believe you meant "for the first time, as she mopped..." There's "snap me out of my reverie" try "...at the table snapPED me out of..." instead. You used, "...one of the support physicians added pointed to..." I believe "physici...

Pretty damn good, I was reading, and though I know almost nothing, I'm still very interested, I hope to see more soon. There are only a few things I'd like to note: When talking about the knife and its relation to the protagonist, there are too many separate sentences. I would suggest throwing one or two commas in that area, "Candle and lit int". You mean Candle and lit it. And finally, when your character was talking about Halloween, it was starting to sound a bit like rambling. I would sugg...

I wasn't completely bored, you made the mistake of adding a bit of interesting dialogue at the end. I'm wondering what kind of movies he's renting (porn?), if Daniel is gay or just a friend making a joke, and if Jonny really is a whore. Or if he just thought the idea of being one would be interesting. There were a few sentences in the beginning and while he was in Wal Mart that felt as though they were just... running along. As though you were just rambling, if that wasn't your intention then...