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katana's profile
AGE:
24
LOC: Brooklyn, NY
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 15
LOC: Brooklyn, NY
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 15
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Version 1
9 Reviews
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you hold hands in the rain and trip lightly over puddles. the collar of his raincoat is raised to shield his bare neck from the drippings of an icy sky, and he gazes from deep eyes full of awe thinly veiled as emptiness. hard to imagine that his eurocentric demeanor could be concerned with the recent spike in mexican deportation, you lean in to kiss him for no other reason than you like the fanning of his eyelashes as he stares unblinkingly at the exquisite shape of your eyebrows. bourbon and...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
5 Reviews
0 Comments
WHAT kind of fuckry is this?, you ask. wedged between rocks and walls and no one to hear you scream your repentance. the sun is still rising behind those glitter-lined clouds and you don't know who to call first. While waiting in the purgatory of planned parenthood you pick through a contender's piece for the biannual literary magazine: *Keys to a lesson learned/ the (your) boys of summer What you don't expect will almost always happen- when you know something- or you know better- you'll be s...
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Reviews
this works best as political poetry, even despite/ in addition to the obvious religious/ spiritual overtones. the last line is a bit beating-you-over-the-head and i think this would work best without it.
i got lost in most of this description. i think shorter in this case would be sweeter. brief and to the point, kind of like their relationship... and i don't understand what happened- did they "do the deed" or didn't they? was it all in his head? why did summer come too soon? where are they going from here? what took them to the scene in the hallway? this story is unfinished, but in need of editing. i think it can be a great tale then.
This can work with some polishing. The detail is great- from imagining the girl as a movie star and not in her tightly-buttoned cardigan to the way the sheriff imposes his authority. i like the misdirection- you portray her as this innocent girl asking to "go somewhere" and then she drops the bomb that not only is she not innocent, both of them are in deep s**t. i was lost at the end though. i think you rush through the confession and don't give enough credence to it. there's also not enough ...
Gorgeous. The imagery really conjures fragments of a dream. I'm wondering, though, about the first two lines- they seem to lead somewhere that doesn't get resolved. Is this intentional, or perhaps something grammatical that needs revision? Either way, "flashing images of burning flames" and "sharp edged nightmares" make this beautiful.
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