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kayray's profile
AGE:
16
LOC: Seattle, WA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: December 14
LOC: Seattle, WA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: December 14
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
In this time and in this place there you are with me and there we are in that time and in that place all alone but together nowhere to run to but my own head and your own head and we see those brighter starts with those brighter ends and there we are in that time and in that place and we know that someday there will be that sunlit hill and those sunlit smiles and those sunlit tears and those sunlit words we know we can stop our words collide and our thoughts move out we know we should go but ...
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Reviews
Wow. I absolutely *love* the first stanza. The rest are great, but the first stanza, that I can really connect with. The second stanza is a bit choppy (?) I don't know if that was intended or not. But, like I said, this poem is just great, I love the perspective of this.
I enjoy what I've read of this. The dialogue is smart (witty even) and flows with a nice rhythm. Although I do have to point out a few things, the first being: attach strong personality traits to each individual character. Both of the characters seem the same to me, and I don't know who to root for (if I am rooting for someone.)Adding some variety to each character would make them a bit more memorable and the reader can empathize more. Also: the onset of the attack seems very random to me. Ad...
I like this poem. But I think to improve it and improve the fluidness of this you could break up the lines into, well, shorter ones.
Nice, I like this poem. Maybe if you wanted to lengthen it you could add some imagery stanzas to spruce it up a bit.
I like the story line, but the way it is written is a bit confusing. I noticed that (for the most part) there would be a piece of dialog, and then the character would do something. This is somewhat confusing. You might try to "clump" together some actions and then "clump" some dialog together, instead of dialog/action/dialog/action. Make sence? I think this would improve the flow of the story, making your story line stronger.
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