Well, it is hard to judge this first chapter on its own, because I'd like to see where this is heading. It is mostly description- good description, though. I like the image of the ceiling fan at the beginning-it gives me a good sense of his surroundings. Some of the description might be a little too much, although the "green gravy" pouring out of his back was gross, but effective. I like the end. Leaves me with questions- who left the supplies? Why does he have a gun shot wound? Who is this g...

As a southern gal myself, I found myself identifying with your poem and have traveled many a similar road. A few things I noticed- Did you mean "leather peels away the hot flesh"? Not the other-way around. "Painterly" sounds odd. I do like your imagery. You have captured the feeling with nicely crafted words, alliteration, and sensory imagery.

Wow! I had to read it after I read the title (I was hooked) and now that I have read it, I am slowly digesting any meaning (no pun intended)that a reader might glean from this bizarre, but entertaining piece of work. As a Jewish mother, myself, I want to call my son and say "eat, eat." Hmmm. Technicalities- I'd put a comma after "ten days after." I am guessing that "ambiguously vague" was meant to be together and that you know it is repetition? I'm not sure I get the last line. I like the bal...

This story starts out with some potential but loses focus quickly. As a reader, I found nothing to latch on to the character of Byron Gems. The hook with the candle didn't grab me. I liked the idea of the people of Pickford Estates and how eccentric they are. But when you started into the story of Timmy Two-Arms, I was lost, skimming until I felt that I could get "back" into the story. You keep digressing, and maybe that's the point. But the reader is never firmly engaged in the story at the ...

Your message is good. I like the theme of betrayal that you carry through. Punctuation-wise, you use a simplistic, couplet form. However, there are places where you need punctuation at the end of your first line. You also need commas in other places- line three, "time and time," line eight,"Without a word," line seventeen "and at this time,". the poem would be better served without the form you have imposed on it. The punctuation and form of the poem should assist with the reading. It is simi...

Wow! I like erotica, but I've never seen this particular brand. This jury is definitely out to lunch on this one (albeit NOT a lunch of raw oysters and hot sauce), but... Her description is real, seductive in a gross feast of junk food. The chili sauce sliding between her legs is effective. Effective in what, I'm not sure, but I felt a twang of revulsion. I have an issue with the peanut butter. He is watching the peanut butter in her hand and then she rubs her palms along his neck, but then t...

You have the suspense building. There were several points where I felt the character's helplessness. I like the overall set-up that you have going on here. There are a few places where I feel that you could cut some- for example, describing how tall your villian is. You repeated your description far too much. Also watch how many times you use the word "peripheals." The point where you were discussing the lights, then the orange light could be condensed. "he figured that the man was going thro...

I am confused by this story. These two characters are not human, yet they act human? Eric says that he feels less and less, yet he contradicts himself by his own emotional outbursts (and especially Tommy). Eric says they do not sin, they are not prone to violence, yet they throw things at each other? I am assuming that is the point? So no one wants to be human, even the robots? I pick up conflicting messages throughout, so at the end, I am left feeling like the theme of this piece is cloudy. ...

As a YA novel, I am unsure who the audience would be for this novel. The content seems for a much younger child than the traditional YA range 9-13. The introduction grabs interest with a powerful entity with a magical snowglobe. But somehow Old Man Winter seems more of a fairy tale caricature. He lacks depth and a personality that invites the reader to follow onward. You writing itself is very good. Nice structure. Good word choice. The conversation between Old Man Winter and the snowglobe se...