I enjoyed this story. The only thing that was a little standoffish to me was the fact that the story was being told by a eight year old. I think that is a good idea, but it doesn't seem like an eight year old is telling the story. You use a lot of mature words that most eight year old do not use in there vocabulary. Other than that I thought that it was really good!

I was a little lot with what you were fighting with. Nonetheless you used such great details and imagery that I actually felt like I was fighting with you! I saw a few spelling and grammar mistakes, but they are always a quick fix as well. Good luck with this piece!

I liked this so much. It was absolutely wonderful. There are a few different places where the rhythm struggles a bit, but nothing that can't easily be fixed. You did a great job on this. I hope to see more!

I was at first under the impression that this was a full fledge screen play. I was a little disappointed at first, but then it wasn't too bad for the mere fact that I learned a lot that I didn't know! I rad your goal and think that this would be great to sell to a production company. You do a great job with detailing, and explaining everything. Good luck!

It did more than help actually. I am guilty of most of those things listed. The positive part of this is I am completely open-minded about making my writing better. Any suggestions on lack of imagery or the simple fact that I can't get my sentences to flow, if that makes any sense. I feel like I can see the seperate in my sentences, almost feel them. A good novel flowed, you don't realize the end of one sentence to the beginning of the other. Anyways I think that this is great for anyone on h...

I would really love to here this with some sound and instruments added to it. Overall I think this is a great piece. There were a few parts I might word a little different personally, but it seems you are going for a unique flow to this, and you have captured that. Good luck....keep writing!

I don't know if this is some kind of personal experience or just an inspired piece, but I went through a phase of writing like it. I was really into real life traumatic pieces, writing about horrible ordeals that people deal with in everyday life. I really like this. I would give it a second glance though, and really look at your sentence structures. The words are sharp and edgy and really come together for the reader, but the rhythm is off in a few different places. Work on that, and I think...

I love this! Personally I think it is extremely hard to write Haiku for the mere fact that I think it is defficult to be able to grasp the reader with just a few words, but you did it in this. The title is by far perfect for this!

"Shooting" instead of "shotting" Should be, "Slowly, I fold" You go from past tense to present tense in this line. "Swallowed half my drink" instead of "half my drunk" "Still" instead of "stull" Those are the simple corrections that I saw. This could make for a great short story or novel depending on what route you want to take. You do a great job at catching the imagery of the characters surrounding and feeling. Great job on that!

I think this is a great start. If I might make a few suggestions....I would change, "These gentle lips do for you wait" to "These gentle lips do wait for you" The other suggestion is to change up the last line a bit. It misses the flow you have going.