kozmicblue's profile
AGE:
28
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 18
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 18
This user has not yet uploaded an urbis user description/profile.
Items
Version 1
37 Reviews
2 Comments
EXT. CARNIVAL MIDWAY - EVENING Two girls, DAWN and MARCY, both 18, are sitting on a bench in front of the swinger eating fried dough and drinking large sodas. MARCY So, when do you start at the car wash? DAWN In the morning. I can't believe I'm even doing this. I already hate it and I haven't even started there yet. MARCY Come on, it's not that bad, Dawn. It's only the summer anyway. I'll be here flipping burgers at Buck's for the rest of my life. DAWN Aw, come on, you know you love it. MARCY...
Version 1
12 Reviews
3 Comments
My mind fills up with empty thought I live a little, dream a lot Tried to spread my wings and fly Changed my mind, instead got high Parted my lips to take a breath Instead I think I tasted death Opened my eyes to take a peek But could not find what I would seek I took a whiff to find some scent Then with the wind away it went I listened well, tried to hear But what I heard brought only tears.
Version 1
15 Reviews
4 Comments
Chapter Three Duncan I crawled out of my tent at eight thirty Thursday morning, my eyes still blurry from the night before. I was pretty loaded. The midway was still empty, everyone was sleeping off last night’s binge. I knew I had to get up early so I could call that crazy bitch before the show opened. It had been a week since I had sent her the papers, and she better have signed them. I made my way to the cook house thinking about being rid of her forever. I hollered to Jackie, who was in t...
Version 1
10 Reviews
3 Comments
Chapter Two Sandy The Flower Girl opened at eight on weekdays, but I was unlocking the back door at seven, knowing that stupid girl that closed probably left me a mess. What I saw when I opened the door was beyond a mess. In fact, there was no mess, everything had been cleaned and put away, just not in the right place. Nothing was in the spot it had been yesterday. Shelving units had been repositioned and every item in the store had been moved. The cash register and counter were on the wrong ...
Version 1
29 Reviews
13 Comments
Chapter One Candice She was only looking when I walked into her apartment that morning, calmly sitting at her kitchen table and looking at a pharmacy bottle. “They’re gonna make me sleep, Candy. They think I should sleep.” “Well, that’s a good thing, right?” She ignored me and fixated on her bottle. “You okay, Will?” Will was never okay, really, but I asked anyway. Usually she would tell me she was fine, but not that day. She laughed at me and stared at her bottle. “Hello, Earth calling Willo...
[ View all items ]
Reviews
Deleted Item
You're a very good writer, but this story just doesn't hold much interest. Nothing is really happening. I am finding it a little difficult to care about these characters at all.
Obviously this story has a personal significance to you, which definately makes for a better read. Some of your sentences were a little awkward such as "Being twenty-one, Kalla had lost her mother at three to a drunk driver and a wet road". Maybe a better way to word this would be "Eighteen years ago, at the age of three, Kalla had lost her mother to a drunk driver on a wet road." There were a few others like this. Also a few spelling errors, but no big deal. Very nice for a first draft.
Deleted Item
Let me point out some things that don't make sense to me. 1. I don't think Chantal would so readily tell her story to this man. 2. 500,000 a month? Come on, this is totally unbelievable even for a rich family. 3. If she was getting this money, why would she possibly get a job? These things just aren't plausible. Other than that, you're a pretty good writer, just try to make it a little more believable.
I'm not offended by the language, I just don't think it's necessary to the story. I mean, putting it in the dialog is one thing, but does the narrator really have to swear like a sailor?
[ View all reviews ]
Favorites
People














