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AGE:
46
LOC: Orem, UT
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 08
LOC: Orem, UT
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 08
I’m always glad to return the favor on a review.
I’m currently at work on the Fair O’Nelli young adult fantasy adventure series.
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Version 1
1 Review
2 Comments
One Final Note Before I Open the Eternal Book of Time: Through the expanse of space, Thelras and Cael saw me nestle into Tharin’s throat just before she woke up. I heard them say: “Perhaps we should have chosen her brother for the task, Cael. Tharin is so wide-eyed and unsuspecting.” “Yes, but her dog will be a help to her. And it couldn’t be helped about her brother. It was not our place to interfere, nor has it ever been, nor will be.” “Of course, but as a mother . . .” “I know, dear. I kno...
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Version 1
5 Reviews
0 Comments
One Final Note Before I Open the Eternal Book of Time: Through the expanse of space, Thelras and Cael saw me nestle into Tharin’s throat just before she woke up. I heard them say: “Perhaps we should have chosen her brother for the task, Cael. Tharin is so wide-eyed and unsuspecting.” “Yes, but her dog will be a help to her. And it couldn’t be helped about her brother. It was not our place to interfere, nor has it ever been, nor will be.” “Of course, but as a mother . . .” “I know, dear. I kno...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
6 Reviews
6 Comments
Prologue: Of the Gods there be but two who live in Airen Or. From Great Intelligence their wisdom grew And thus was born a plan, a door Through which their children of light would pass and bid farewell to Thelras, to Cael; Then through the law of Arbiter Will amass Glory or condemnation, a consequence, still. And so the Secret Speakers tell the tales of those who choose To return through the door in splendor or blight, Bearing marks of those who win or lose. I’m going to tell you a story. I’l...
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The story was clearly written, and had a great lesson in it about sharing and making friends. The only things that jumped out at me were the sentences that ran into the next sentence instead of having a period. Look for the sentences that read like a complete sentence and put a period there instead of a comma. Also, the sentence length needs to be much shorter for the 4 - 8 year-old category. That, or make it for an older age group? You had some really fun details about wanting to buy a human...
This came across as a story that belongs in a different category other than humor and satire. You've got two girls who put themselves in a dangerous situation where they could be physically hurt, with a man who is willing to put them in cages, or at least joke about it. Humor doesn't have that kind of threat in it. So, this seems like more of a--hmmm....I can't remember all the categories they have here...fiction, piece? It would be interesting to see how the story comes across without so man...
A few observations that I hope are helpful: It's important to stay consistent in past or present tense. Your first two sentences show that you need to decide which tense to stick with: "The sun ROSE and so did the man from his dreamless sleep. He GETS up from his make-shift bed." I really like your description of the leader of the posse. The dialogue of the dog that goes "woof" and what the cowboy says to him could be a little more clear. Try leaving it out and see what happens :O) The barten...
This is clearly well-polished and worked on. The only thing that jumped out at me is that the tense changes from past to present. I may be wrong, but from my research a synopsis is best done in the present tense. So, for example, it would read here, like this: "a time when the child Brittan Lee LEARNS about segregation," and "events which INCLUDE the death of her father." I truly hope this was helpful. I'm new here.
I'm new to this review, and new here in general, so I hope my comments will be meaningful. Your first person point of view is done really nicely and the way you moved from Charlotte's thoughts to the events and dialogue is really well done. I can't think of anything that needs to happen as far as story or grammar goes. This is obviously a well-polished piece. I did feel like I lost interest early on, but when you picked up the pink hearse part of it and connected the earlier introduction of i...
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