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AGE:
17
LOC: Miamisburg, OH
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 07
LOC: Miamisburg, OH
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 07
I’m simply a high school student, looking for some unbiased and experienced help. I’ve been trying to gather up the experience, ability, creativity, and bravery to write complete short stories that I seem to have lost quite some time ago. I may also post some poems. I really appreciate constructive criticism.
Thank you!
Items
Version 1
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West Virginia is exactly the same as home A strip mall settled in the crook of a river valley That has spread itself around Like the contents of my wallet Like the coffee blooming across the top of my thigh Like Lauren’s laugh And the smoke flying from her face The strip mall has settled itself into my mind And everything he says is overcast with a layer of concrete and cigarettes I keep a lighter on me Just in case I feel the need to burn myself to the ground And so Joseph came around Just t...
Version 1
16 Reviews
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I’m so tired of swinging your direction Telephone static never tasted so sour When it’s not followed by an answer Up on such wires I can’t stop speaking Shaking Swinging from chains looking for answer in the electricity Staring at a you-sized hole in my bed Where I remember the curve of your shoulder touched your neck As you stared back at me And a tiny little island In the iris of your eye Eroded with each passing wave And every word unspoken led to a fissure in your arm Bleeding over the si...
Version 1
2 Reviews
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Dear Laura, Facebook pages are miserable liars. I remember when I first read yours. Under occupation, you had not listed yourself as a waitress, or even the unisex ‘server,’ but rather as an attendant. I thought it was a beautiful word. You told stories about children who chirped like birds and threw fountains of chocolate milk into the air, who lived only on the whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles. You described old men with the eyebrows of Andy Rooney, the mustaches of Wilford Brimley, and ...
Version 1
4 Reviews
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Nick Watson was thirty two, and had assumed he ought to be past these sort of things by now. Waiting and pacing and putting up with it all out of politeness. Spending days dreaming of every way in which he hated her. Delia was pushing lipstick into the corners of her mouth with her fingertips, leaning into the mirror, all breasts and eyelashes and tousled fried white-blonde hair. She winked at herself. Her eye looked like a great black wound. He sighed, pulling his green sweater down over his...
Version 2
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When I stare up it looks like the ceiling is about to fall in on me She has curves like a woman Falling out about those lines that keep her contained Full of holes And chemical lights They hum like angels Around that dusty blue light And the cobwebs fill her up They needed somewhere to stay amongst such strange sterility The stepping is jingling change around in my mind And in my pockets And sends the message "Don't rob me I only keep exact change for a pack of Pall Malls Please don't rob me ...
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Reviews
hmmm. Interesting. It reads like it's in yoda-speak, but I feel like you've done it successfully. It's really beautiful. I don't quite have a solid grasp on the character, but it's conjuring up images of Sampson and Jesus, juxtaposed it the modern drug tragedies. I love your repetition of the phrase "I don't know." I love your use of parenthesis in the last bit. I have a feeling this was put into an online translator, or something of the sort. If my hunch is right, not a good idea. Find someo...
the rhyme in the third stanza was awkward, I'd switch that around. other than that, a very cute poem.
hmm. Rhyming poetry is hard to pull off, in my opinion, because it's hard to make each word sound like it really belongs, and not just as a rhyme. You're usually pretty successful, but on occasion (morass) it doesn't seem to work. Keep an eye out for that. My biggest problem with the piece is, I simply don't know what you're talking about. I understand it's got a fantasy setting, but not context is offered for this mad thing you're going on about. Maybe this would be best put as a short story...
It's an interesting concept, nice imagery, but the rhyme seems a little bit repetitive and cliche. I'm not entirely sure what the ending is trying to say. I'd make it a bit more clear.
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