ldeniseb's profile

Where was she? Insted of Where she was? (Unless you meant something else altogether.) What do you want from me? (you forgot the from and it reads strange) She couldn’t let him hurt Mikell, had to warn him. (forgot the she before had) this seems to be a recurring thing. A good read through will catch them.) She throw the covers off, swung her legs to the side, and tried to stand up, but Mikell gently pushed her back on the bed. (This sentence is mixed tenses. threw, swung , tried or throws, sw...

tyres = tires for a vehicle In which Carolyn, on her first day, has to “Report to the Office.” She feels like a new girl at school. Does she have to pass a Bible test before starting work at this church? drops pov and isn't needed. Ok what Point of View are you writing from. It seems to jump around between characters or omni indiscriminately. It held my interest but being an American there were a few places that read rough, I think it's the difference in the use of the language. Overall very ...

You’re going to force me to take a trip back, ... Why not break this up a little by showing us his reactions as he tells us the story. Artists were no longer singing depressing ballads about the disappearance, but joyful songs again. - Wordy you could just say Artist played joyful songs again. (It implies they were singing the depressing ones or at least not happy ones.) You do believe me right?” - remove the word do and it reads stronger. You believe me, right? I've seen a few typos where yo...

Well it is interesting and grabs you. The realism is great too. You've already gotten it published so most of my comments are not going to help you that much. But I did wonder, did you lose some of the formatting when you pasted it into URBIS. Because there were several places that seemed to need a paragraph break but if your publisher didn't say anything... Well done. I look forward to reading more in the future. And I hope your sales are great.

Yours:The bandage on my arm leaked, and I could feel the blood slowly drip down my arm onto my hand, and off my finger onto the floor where I imagined it traced my bloody Hansel and Gretel progress into the treatment unit. Remarkably, I didn’t feel that much pain. Odder still, for the first time in maybe five years, I felt peaceful—maybe, just this once, maybe even happy. Suggestion: The bandage on my arm leaked. The feel of blood slowly dripped down my arm onto my hand and slipped from my fi...