Personally, I thought you could get an even better poem if you just built off the lines, "Sunlight cannot reach the homeless / Towering masses of brick and mortar shadow their existence". That was very striking to me, because it's not really something I ever think about. As for the rest, I felt as if the poem was trying to open my eyes to something I already know. Maybe someone else wouldn't get this feel from it, but to me, it felt like okay... and? And a little stylistic thing, I think it w...

Looks like a nice little song you've got in the works here. The first verse has some rhythm issues, I think, as far as the way I'm reading it. It sounds scattered. I really didn't like the first line, it sounds kind of awkward, too much repeated sounds... I don't think that works as well right off the bat, it might have a better place in a chorus. Really liked the second verse, and how you tie it with the first with the "seduce". Not really feeling the word choice of "evil"... is that the bes...

This was fantastic. Well written, descriptive, and a little insightful. I think you've got a shot at publication, if only because this is what I would want to read in something I paid money for. If the first line is from a different source, I think you could show this better than just adding a note (because how is that going to work when you do get published?)... What I would do is offset the line, and make it a quote, then just continue the poem. It would look something like: "I love your rh...

This is beautifully written, so many raw images. I love this kind of poetry. There were only a few small things that didn't ring true with me... first, when you mess with the syntax. "Small was my daughter, dark her skin..." The rest of the poem reads as if you're speaking directly to someone, and syntax like this is not normally found in every day speech. It just sounds a little contrived. And in the second to last stanza, you don't need the word "thats", its out of tone, I think. I love the...

This has a lot of potential, but here's what I see that could be changed: Extensive personification in the beginning. Sounds too childish for a poem with such a topic. "Party" can be omitted. Last line can be omitted or possibly changed. Play with structure, there may be a better way you can organize it to make it more interesting. Good luck with this piece!

I hesitate to comment on poems of such personal nature, because it sometimes feels as if I'm devaluing it by critiquing the elements, but this drew me in anyway. If you like this poem how it is now, keep it that way. I think you could improve upon it though, if you'd like to. I would define the "it" that you mention in the first stanza. I'm not sure what it is that neither of you wanted to say, whether it's about the cabs or the city or the parting or something else. And you don't need the la...

Remove every instance of the word "its". This is the only thing that's standing between you showing us the images and you telling us the images. Also, with so many its, I'm wondering just what "it" is. I'd revise the first stanza like this... A sweet sad sound bubbles up seeping from under my skin, leaving a shiny netting on the ground. You have lots of little filler words you don't need, best to remove them. And you're right, you do need something to connect these images. Maybe try relating ...

I can see that this poem is full of emotion, but you're not making me feel it for myself, which is what truly good poetry should do. You're describing emotions and a state of mind, but without details about how you got there, it's hard to connect with. A better poem would be about the process in which you came to feel this way (yes, it does require a lot more psychological effort, but it's worth it) rather than just that you do. I'm just aching for a "why" in this poem.

General impression: confusing. Quite well-written, but still confusing. First thing is you're drowning in references. It's probably because I'm young, but there were a few I didn't catch, and it seems like you're using the references to breathe life to a poem that otherwise might not have enough to survive on its own. Also, the Freud reference didn't seem to fit, because (most of) the rest had to do in some way with television (hence the title?) Freud, along with the descriptions of ghetto an...

And a very nice attempt it is! It's just subtle enough, and still manages to be very sexy. A few things - I don't know if you should use the word "sunrise" twice in such a short poem. I know you're trying to make a sort of comparison, but it really stuck out to me and put me off. Maybe try a synonym, like daybreak or something like that? Produce = produced? An eyes = an eye? And I don't think you need the comma there either, the line break does it for you. The comma after dawn could also be c...