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likelytodance's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: Belleville, IL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 03
LOC: Belleville, IL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 03
I have a BA in Creative Writing, but it’s been a few years since I’ve graduated and since then have placed writing to the side. I want to and need to get back to a place where I am writing regularly and critiquing regularly.
I write short stories mostly, and will hopefully one day have something long enough to be called a book.
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Version 1
7 Reviews
5 Comments
I waited for him at the end of his drive, like I did when we were kids, ready to run down the street and around the corner away from the prying eyes of our parents. Same house, but we were 15 years older now and I had no idea where we were going or what I was doing there. It had been so long that I was uncomfortable waiting for him, unsure if he would even come out of his house. Maybe I would end up standing there for hours while he waited for me to leave so he could run to the grocery store....
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i just have a few questions for you. It's not something I need answered, but something you as the author need to know. Who is this story about? Is it about Declan or another character? You need to know this because right now I'm not sure who it is about. Also, other than this being a very scary event, why did you chose this night to write about? What changed about Declan or his friends that night? Did it do anything to what they had once thought? I think if you look at your story with these q...
You describe the setting quite beautifully. My favorite is the line "Twisted, ebon planks reaching from collapsed base like gnarled fingers of a Alzheimer’s patient." One thing you might want to do is to go back through and check for typos. There seems to be a lot of "the's" missing and other tiny articles as well. It just gives an awkward feel to the language and flow of teh piece. Read it out loud to yourself and see if that helps. overall, what is this story about? The plight of the poor i...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
So what is this about? This isn't really a short story at all. Where is the beginning? What happens in the beginning? What about the end? What changes at the end of teh story? I'm not even sure what this could be defined as, but I don't think it's a short story. Proof reading: "Adagios relentless fascination" Should be 'Adagio's' "Sharply turns to Hermes again." You need a subject here. He would work just fine.
Right away I'm interested in this character. He takes a hard approach, but he's genuinely concered about his men. He also admits his weakness, even if he doesn't do it knowingly. His weakness is that he is constantly counting his men. I think it would be interesting if this was something that became a hinderance to him for whatever reason later on in this story. On that note, is this the end of teh story, or is it just the beginning of a piece? A first chapter? I'm not sure. It definitely nee...
I was confused and found it incredibly difficult to focus on. There wasn't anything to ground this. I realize it's poetic prose, but your readers still need to be able to connect to something and to understand it in some way. I was confused throughout.
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