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lilianwt's profile
AGE:
65
LOC: California, MD
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 07
LOC: California, MD
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 07
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Chapter 3 - The Vision of the Nile The morning had arrived in splendid clear skies. Lizla took a deep breath in and mentally murmured the celebrated Ra invocation to the rising sun. Religion had never been a mere duty to her. The life of the soul was very present in her consciousness, partly because of her psychic nature. Religion was deeply ingrained in the daily life of Egyptians in general, since they were quite aware of the underlying patterns of energy that move and protect all things. T...
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1,000 BC – Memphis, Lower Egypt. Chapter 1 – Desert Trials and Rebirth Lizla opened her eyes and screamed in terror. Complete blackness surrounded her. Had she become blind? Where were the flowers, the lights, the radiant faces she had grown accustomed to holding in almost breathless admiration? Nothing but blackness, thick, like a heavy mourning veil. It even seemed real to the touch. The thought of a mourning veil sent darts of panic up her spine. But wasn’t she alive? Wasn’t her eager spir...
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Please clean it up. You sound tired and confused. No one needs to get more of that. If you have something to share, make sure you know what it is. Otherwise take a close look at what is coming out. It seems you need help. If it is a protest sing it is sterong and bitter
Powerful. I wish I knew more. You seem to have a warning message, but to whom? Your daughter? your grand daughter? all women? is it a memory or a dream?
You need to revise tenses "turned around and fire"(fired) and plurals "any dead end" not ends. Also images must match feelings. If he is running in panic, a way out gives you releif, not an occasion for "glee". It is bloody, which most people shrink from, so please be easier on the reader with the dark scenes; they will follow you closer and be interested in the characters, not the gory scene. You want the reader to cacth sympathy wiht the hero, so they follow the actioon.
Terrifying, but uunappealing. It loses its effect if I can't see what the threat is; what are the motivations for those killings? World dominance? revenge? I can't tell, so it is hard to believe. Please remember most people are not familiar with your writing and those that are need to be lead on, not dissapaointed. Pleaase clarify for everyone.
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