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AGE:
16
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 19
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 19
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All of Atironen’s focus for the next two days centered around King Tonodel’s second son. His mind dwelled on it the one time he ventured to the practice courts, relieved to see that his uncle and cousins weren’t there. The familiar motions of sword fighting occupied little space amongst his other thoughts. His uncle had hired the midwives to kill King Tonodel’s second son. That was what had happened. It was the continuation of an old rivalry, gone perhaps a bit too far. Atironen refused to l...
Version 1
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They stayed another two nights at the confluence before marching back to Essiels to replenish their supplies. During those two days, and the six it took to march back with wounded soldiers, Atironen avoided Arototas as much as possible. He seemed to have seen through Atironen’s lie and confronted him whenever their paths crossed. Atironen was almost relieved at the sight of Essiels on the sixth day of the march. The city provided him easier escapes from his two cousins. With every glare from...
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Atironen rode behind Arototas as they left the camp, the tents still standing, and forded the River Ombech. He focused his gaze ahead of him at the ridge on the other side of the river, counting his horse’s steps to distract him. The army of Palenyon was closer now, judging from the noise of the soldiers’ footsteps. Atironen almost expected to see them just over the top of the ridge, waiting for them and for the battle. They rode a short distance from the river, the last lines of infantrymen...
Version 1
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Atironen wasn’t sure how he hot back to his tent after the battle. He thought he remembered riding back to camp, but everything seemed no more than a thick haze. Arototas had said something to him, at least he thought he had, but he couldn’t remember what it was. All he remembered was Prince Tolodan and his father on the battlefield. He sat in his tent, still wearing his armor, and stared at his reflection in his shield. His face seemed alien to him now, an enemy face. His own had been stole...
Version 1
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Having gone some distance from their camp, they stopped in a field surrounded on all sides by hills dotted with trees. With shouts from the officers, the army spread out along the northern side of the field, lining up according to division. The infantry stood in four long lines reaching from the eastern side to the western with eight lines of horsemen beside eight lines of archers just behind them. The king and his officers, along with his children and Atironen, waited behind the army, a wid...
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I am assuming that this is the beginning of the whole story, but if it's not, then feel free to discard any suggestions that would make the story redundant. Stephen is originally introduced as "the young man sitting in the shadows of a deep windowsill" instead of Stephen. The next time he speaks, he is automatically Stephen, with nothing to suggest that this Stephen is the same person as the young man sitting in the shadows of a deep windowsill. I would suggest adding something to let your re...
An interesting start. I have some suggestions for you. First of all, the chapter starts off by introducing Cordelia as "she." I would recommend not using a pronoun first, but her name instead. By automatically introducing her with her name, the reader gets a sense of familiarity with the character. The same goes for Lord Arthur. Second, there's somewhat of a lack of physical description. There's a very brief description of Cordelia's appearance, but what about Lord Arthur's? What are they bot...
Intriguing... I have some suggestions for you. First of all, Huding and Yiming are not initially introduced with their names, rather 'a man' and 'his young son.' Why not simply state their names from the beginning? Doing so will automatically create a sense of familiarity with your reader, instead of an attempt at building a short-lived mystery. One line that stuck out while I was reading was "There was a brief moment of the awkward – but love filled – silence that fills most conversations be...
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