lowkey_lies's profile

In the second sentence I like "thick timbers." I don't much care for the word "splendorous." I think its an awkward word, there may be better ones to describe it i.e vibrant, eye-catching, dramatic etc.. 4th sentence, "the sulphuric stench of rained on coal." I like you mentioned the smell. However I think if you reorganized the sentence such that you can avoid saying "rained on coal," it'd be more effective. Either way as this is subjective advice take it as you will. It's just what I think....

I can see that your intentionally ommitting the source of this woman's pain. I enjoyed your use of comparisons and descriptions that build up the intensity of the pain and her situation. I thought it was effective to have her judging the ramifications of going to the hospital and all that it entails. I just think that the end i.e suicide was overly severe. I took it that depression was the source of her pain. Its just hard for me to imagine that something like depression could be so tangible....